have you ever just been...

disclaimer:  (venting for myself, dont trouble yourself with a read)

ironically enough -- ooc -- i actually have feelings too pmsl. Even though I am very good at playing all this off and pretending that its all puppies and rainbows. You guys, most of you because i've never cleaned my friends list in the entire time ive been here, are my friends too. I want to get close to you and hold you dear in my pocket and protect you from the world no one protected me from. But thats impossible. I'm writing this because its long over due and the feeling keeps bubbling up in my chest and I'm not able to hold it down anymore.

In all truth at the end of the day with all the walls i build, only showing the world my base level personality so they can never get close and i can never get hurt. I am a terrible person, honestly. I'm just good with words to make people think other wise of me but it all comes back to the same thing. I use roleplay to hide my real self because all in all I dont really like myself all that much. Roleplaying for me is escape from the reality I have built and am not to happy with living. Though I have to many silly people who care about me to take myself off the map. I dont even know what that means.

But rambling aside lemme get back to my point. I have really bad abandoment issues and sometimes it pushes through my characers and I really really realy hate that. People who leave without even giving you some sort of heads up. What I mean is people who sudden start talking to your character then suddenly stop. Selective replies are tiresome, I'd rather you'd tell me to off the waste the little time that I do have. Nothing then you putting your blood sweat in tears into a reply to get passed up and ignored all the time. Last time I checked, I wasnt a ty roleplayer.

This site is suppose to bring me joy but sometimes it doesnt. Sometimes I look at the screen and want to cry. I know this might sound dumb to anyone else. But you guys mean a lot to me. At the end of the day, even if you are ' just internet friends '. Whatever that even means, blood and water are sometimes at the same thickness in your heart. This is also hard for me. Getting to the point and talking about my feelings is something I was never really taught growing up. We up or tears, they are weakness. Crying is a form of weakness leaving the body. If you dont want to be weak, you dont cry. It makes sense. A simple equation.

There really isnt a point to this. I'm just spit balling and vomiting my feelings until these tears stop stinging my eyes and that lump falls from out of my chest. W h y do we have feelings. Why do we even feel. The basic form of humans is to build bonds and connection with others, harmony, a utopia. But I dont feel happy, sometimes roleplay doesnt feel like an escape it feels like a prison. It feels exactly like the same thing I try to escape from in the reality I build. the ignoring, the favorism, the fakeness, misplaced affections. I like to say I do not have triggers but maybe I do.

I really dont like feeling, you can give me some sob lecture about this is what humans are suppose to do. But I'd much rather feel nothing and numbness all my life. Its comfortable. its what I'm used too. That empty feeling in your chest and the euphoria you get not feeling anything else is a high to me. I dont want to feel for myself, I'd rather do it vicariously through the actions of others. Let me feel your hurt, lemme feel your pain. I do not want to feel my own. I want to escape through the eyes of others so I do not have to deal with my own demons. Bottling them all up and not thinknig about it usually works if I put a sheet under the bottle. But sometimes it cracks, very seldom it does, this is exactly why this blog post of this fashion will be my first and last.

i just need to get this off my chest.

even if i dont really know what it is. why i feel this way. why i want to cry. why i just want to delete all my characters, deactivate my account and never come back to this place. I hate feeling this way-- i'm scared that if i get to the bottom of it, the source of my problem really wasnt all that big and I am just blowing things out of proportion and be told that I am overreacting once again. I hate being sensitive. I hate overthinking things. I hate me. But this is just who I am, sadly the body and soul that the god that you serve gave me wasnt one my conciousness was to fond of.

I think this is where I cut my drabble because even to myself I have stopped making sense. I do not know why I keep egging this on. Why my fingers keep going across and across the keyboard over and over again like it really going to change anything. Like this stupid little post, on this stupid little website, on the stupid ing internet is really going to change anything. I am just 1's and 0's in the book of someones binary code. Hopefully when that code sequence it will not be by my own accord.

Maybe I am just being a whiny baby who's problems are spit in the bucket of dispair in the eyes of others.

Maybe I am actually depressed human being who is deep in denial about the problem at hand.

So many maybes not enough time.

Not that I really care.

You shouldnt either.