I need to talk..

Kim Jonghyun, a star that shined brightly for 10 years on stage, now a star of the skies. As a fan, I dearly loved you. I still love you, and in fact I will never stop. You helped me through the hardest of times, I went through a lot in the past years of a Shawol. SHINee was used to drown out all the demons of the real life world that I had to deal with when I was a kid, when I was alone, and when I felt forgotten. As a child I wrote letters to each of the members everyday to help me get through another day. I was barely 13 years old at that time, and to think that I am 19 now. It's like I practically grew up to them. I knew nothing else but them, my first kpop album that I got on my own was SHINee's Hello and I wanted so many more. But coming from my background it was very difficult for me to get access to anything like that. I wanted to learn every SHINee dance there ever was, and my goal was go to Korea and meet all 5 of you. 

I know depression hurts, I deal with it. Almost every day of my life, someday it is harder than others. I also know what being suicidal feels like. I keep thinking that this place would be better off without me, I have nothing... absolutely nothing to live for. Now that I lost one of the people that helped me through the hardest of times, I can't find it in me to even smile today. I slept. I woke up and I cried and went back to sleep. 

However, if you are reading this, and you are a strong fan of Jonghyun, and you are taking this very personal. I want you to stay strong. If you need anyone, I am available. I will stay on here 24/7 for you if I have to. I don't care. I know how hard it is, I know how it feels to feel like you have no one. 

....I'm so broken right now, in all honesty. I just can't figure out how to cope with this pain other than be there for other people. 

I see an angel, tears well up, without knowing,
I say hallelujah

I love all of you.