Thoughts

For those of you who don't know me very well I want to give some backstory. I'm Eryn, I have chronic major depressive disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I've been diagnosed with it sinceI was 11 and had it (likely) since I was 4. I don't remember a time where they didn't effect me. But I can remember when I got my first suicidal thoughts. 6th grade. 11 years old and I was going to a school counselor terrified because I had suicidal thoughts. But they weren't "bad" so they just sent me home with my mom for a day and dismissed it. I've struggled with it all through middle and high school due to a variety of things. Bad meds, medical conditions, bad friendships, abuse, and more. But one thing that really helped me through this time was Kpop. I first heard Kpop ofver 12 years ago. I don't remember my first song because it was my sister and her friend playing it at our house when I got home. What I do remember is that when Mirotic came out they played it for 4 days straight. I was emerssed in KPOP through DBSK and soon became more obsessed with it than my sister. My second ever band was SHINee. I love their music and the boys with so much heart that when I woke up yesterday and a friend told me what had happened I was in immediate denial. 

It was impossible. It couldn't be real. 

Then came the sadness. Which morphed into depression. That lasted most of the day and even today I'm having issues. I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) so I'm already more depressed this time of year but this was mind numbing, soul sinking, drowning in depression I haven't had since graduating high school. It was insane and crazy and just... too much. 

Then as I was sitting in the livingroom last night came anger. Not with Jonghyun, bless him. No I'm mad with Korea. Now don't get me wrong I love Korea and the culture and the food and so much more. But I also hate some things. One of which is how much they overwork, under pay, and dismiss their Kpop stars and other entertainers. Now I don't think that what America does is better. Overpaying and idolizing is insane too. But K-idols should not be forced int 13+ year contracts with ridiculous standards and making as much as a Mcdonalds employee. They should be given time off and sick leave and allowed time to rest. One of the worst companies for this is SME. Big companies think they can monopolize everything and just make it so much worse. But even besides that what makes me mad is the stigma around mental health.

I'm not saying that stigma just exists in Korea. Far from it as I myself have been told "its just in your head" and "stop making exscuses and go back to class" and "you're lying" or "did you self diagnose?" No what I'm saying is I hate the overwhelming world-wide stigma assosicated with mental illness. People shouldn't be told "its just your personality" by docotrs or worse. And the dismissive and disgusted attitude when you even mention it is insane and gut wrenching. 

I'm not blaming any one person or country but I wish there had been more. I wish he could have gotten the help I had. And yes I know people may say mine wasn't as bad as his. I've gotten that a lot. But none of you knew me then. I tried to commit suicide multiple times, I made plans and did things I didn't care. I was eventually put into a partial hospitilization therapy because I'm lucky enough to live in a place where that is possible. But even more than that I just wish he could have had someone to talk to. Someone to help.

I want people to stop denying these illnesses and treat them as they are- an illness of an organ. 

I guess I'm still mad now and maybe over time I'll be able to overcome it but thats not today. Today I want to cry and scream and wish I could have just told him what he meant to me and so many others. He was one of the reasons I'm still here and so it feels like some sick and twisted irony that he's now no longer here. I wish I could do more. Say more. I wish I could rewind time and help him. 

I can't. And that makes this all the worse. But maybe we can all help someone else. More than just talking to someone on a suicide prevention hotline for your country. Please please talk to someone. 

I'm a doctor who fan and like the doctor has said in many different ways- "In 900 years of time and space I've never met anyone who wasn't important before". You may think no one would miss you but you have no idea how much you effect those around you. Even if you just know one person who'll care I know that their sadness would reach to people they know and then on and on and on. Especially with the technology of today. 

Please, please, from someone who knows where you are and has been there themselves. Get help. Self care is important and needed. Even if you live with your parents or people don't believe you try. Try and try and try until you find someone to give you help. There are plenty of sites online where you can get counseling. PLEASE. 

You are loved. You are important. You are needed.

We will all miss Jonghyun. And even though we will miss him my heart is with those who knew him best. I'm sorry.

And I know you'll all say he's in a better place and maybe thats true. But... well... I still think its important we struggle and fight to live and survive today. Here and now. another quote I know asks if you'd rather have the halo or the hellfire. And the thing is... I like being human. Not all pure and good or evil. Here you can be who you are and make mistankes. You love you fight you cry. Its what makes you HUMAN. And that is so so important.

Sorry for the long wierd rant. Just... many thoughts around a matter like this.