【⋆➶˖⁺ 】ɴᴇᴡ ʟᴀʏᴏᴜᴛ﹕ ᴍᴏᴏɴᴀᴛɪᴄ * ʲᵏʲᵏ ᵇᵘᵗ ᶰᵒ ʳᵉᵃˡˡʸ ᵖˡˢ ʳᵉᵃᵈ ⁺ ᵏᵏᵗ ⁺ ᵒᵛᵉʳᵈᵘᵉ ᵃᵖᵒˡᵒᵍᶤᵉˢ

hi wow oh god, so it's um ;; it's official. i'm legit back?? i really wanna apologize to anyone i worried with that hella abrupt (maybe even a lil uncalled for) leave. but i don't regret a thing. it was a much needed soul vacay and honestly, i've had a lot i've needed to think about... things i needed to stop pressing and pressing behind me and just idk start organizing into things that make palpable sense.

even when i wade through my own bull, i know there's still so much to uncover. humans are complex creatures, each of us has our own rhyme and reason. each of us carries a back striped in flaws we wish to clothe and to hide. i've got so much about myself and my past that i'm not proud of... and i think i've been using a lot of that to cripple myself further. i mean, surely there's a way to embrace one's individuality and imperfections without using them as an excuse, right??? i'm actually talking to my supervisor about therapy provisions now because i realize there's so much (both within myself and those around me) that i haven't forgiven. there are mistakes i won't let myself live down. -ups that still haunt me and i realize now that's just been my biggest setback.

after all, i guess, we are our own worst critic, yeah?

but seriously though, guys... i'm so ing sorry. i'm sorry if i've worried anyone. i'm so sorry for each and every time i've ever lashed out (whether or not i was transferring my own insecurities and experiences to you). i'm so sorry for hidng. i'm sorry for not seeing what i should have seen before. i've lived my life hoping that, if nothing else, i could at least be someone who's worth a damn. and i think in my desire to become that, to become something i could be proud of, i became hypercritical of myself and pretty ing distant. 

don't get me wrong. i still at "people-ing". i still need time away from everyone because yikes is the silence such a solace (say that 3 times fast oof). but just- if i ever gave you the impression that i dislike you, that you meant nothing to me, i swear that's nowhere near true.

i'm still trying to find just where i sit in terms of communicating and interacting. to read myself a little so i can get better at just outwardly saying "i need a bit of space". i want to get better at knowing you all... of perhaps being more focused on what's in front of me instead of what's lurking inside. god this sounds so tumblr-esque???

but really.

I just need to be a better person.

while i was away, i did a lot of embracing. it's 2018 and i'm still ing insecure about where i stand with people. i still have that terrible habit of severing everyone out of my life as a defense mechanism. i'm still eating like lol (my doc finally told me that she'll have to intervene if i don't fix this soon). i still haven't forgiven my father for what he's done to me. i still haven't forgiven my mother for letting him. i still haven't forgiven my friends for tossing me and 10 years of love aside. i still haven't kissed the girl i like. i still haven't gotten those piercings. i still haven't let myself ing live.

i've been so god damn stagnant, and if anything that's perhaps the worst way to live as a human being. to ing settle as if things eventually will fix themselves like some helpless disney . my mom's a pretty ty mother but i can at least say she's taught me better than that.

at the same time, while i was gone, i've come to accept so many things. i accepted that i'm not religious, that i'm not some political buff because it's nice to see the pros and cons of any stance. i accept that i identify as biual (but aromantic) wiccan (who ing loves the out of buddhist teachings but still??? believes? in god?).

i accept that i'll end up starting a lot of my bucket list late because the is living in a household like this one? i accept that i'm not going to go on to be a doctor. hell, i never wanted to be in the medical field to begin with. but at least i'm taking this where i want to. if nothing else, i've learned that amidst the drug seekers and pill poppers in the sick bays, there's still a very prominent group of people who believe in complimentary care... i want to take on a career in holistic nursing and gear my focus more towards eastern practices of medicine (i mean guys, lowkey though, that's such a mentally fulfilling way to go... plus boujee patients would pay to the nines for that kind of treatment). 

I accept that i don't ever want kids in my ing life. that i'm not made to be that conventional houserearing woman who brings hot meals to the table and walks around barefoot and pregnant. i. ing. can't. sorry, but my family tree ends at my ing eyelashes. some people just aren't meant to dedicate their lives to children, and i'm unapologetically one of them.

and finally.

ing finally, that actually feels okay.

i initially came to this site to hide (from my responsibilities? my life? who the knows). but these days, i've finally come to see this place as an outlet. as a hobby, my deepest source of fun. i've even carried my relationships with people here at arm's length in hopes that, if ever needed, i can have an easy out. i've been selfish like that. always warily looking for a reason to skitter away, to unfriend and disown. as reprehension? vendication? i honestly don't know, but it's got to stop. i feel like if i stop holding myself accountable to grasping so many friendships at once, i wouldn't have to let so many go to begin with. paranoia unfortunately runs rampant in my family, but i truly think i've wrongly projected my own wrongdoings on those around me.

i've said this so many times and i'll keep saying it over and over. i've ed up.

it won't stop with this blog. if anything, it'll open your eyes to just how dank a piece of i am.

and that's exactly what i want.

i hope that someday you guys will feel comfortable telling me where i'm ing up. i hope that someday i can be more honest with you all.

I promise, i'm working on it. i swear. it's hard as , which is why i know this is going in the right direction (because all the most difficult things in the world are the hardest to achieve).

one day i'll be worth remembering here. or rather, not just here, but in general. i want to close my eyes one day and think "damn girl, you did your best" because that's all we could ever do, y'know?

that's the only challenge we could dare to live up to.

but um, yeah anyway ;u; i'm back.

hi.

i'm uh... viv.

if you remember my kkt id, sweet. if not, it starts with "rena" e u e if you still need help, just pm me. i want to get back to knowing you all. to revolve my attention around those that aren't in my head.

I want to come back.

and if you'll do me the honor of having me back, i'll try not to waste it. if not, if this is the end of the line for us, that's fine. i'm honestly so sorry things ended this way, and i hope to someday erase any bitterness left in your mouth at the taste of my name.

I don't want to be toxic.

I don't want to be the reason for anyone's misery or unhappiness.

so please work with me here.

Please help me to stop. help me to do whatever you need of me to feel comfortable.

help me to "people".

p.s. hit up my profile for my new aesthetic e u e finally embraced that long-standing boho muse. forever a city girl with an appreciation towards nature and the oneness that exists withint our universe.

also, if you haven't muted your blogs yet... go right on ahead e u e;;; got a slew of teasers and such coming soon... either subscribe if you're curious or silence my , because i've got a month's time away to make up for so much.

featured music: eclipse by kim lip
featured face: gwen pique