✩ :: confessions of a perfectionist

I'm already aware of the fact that I'm low-key a perfectionist, however, last night is when I hit a revelation that made me unlock the deeper part of my mind which bares this trait. I'm still feeling a tad emo, so hence why I'm choosing to write out my thoughts. 

Now anyone who is everyone is aware that nobody is perfect- practically could you be for practically defines as being " almost "  and thus forth " almost perfect ". At the end of the day we know there's flaws within our code that we can only improve on if we desire. Well, I learned specifically within rp that it isn't a healthy decision. The authenticity of my design still proudly stands out, but at the same time things have felt as if I'm working against myself. For the longest time it's been instinctive for the perfectionist aspect of my personality to reign control over what I do. I didn't want to settle for anything less, I had temptations to exceed over the mandatory expections, and I especially wasn't gonna be left unsatisfied despite having put in my best effort. Granted, I want to be the best I can be and stay confident about it, but it's gotten to the point where it's slowly ruining me. In other words, I set the bar too high for myself because last night is when I came to notice there's a little voice in the crevices of my mind that is constantly anxious. Just over the sheer fear of disappointing people, and obviously this plays part in I putting others before myself, but the stage I'm at has gotten so severe that it's induced I to overthink. Way more than I ever expected, and in turn has made I hella slow in responding back to those peers I'm role-playing with. Mentally I've been asking myself questions like:

" What if you write a reply and it's a mess? Worse, what if they want you to do it over? "

" What if you say something and they point out that it's strangely unlike you even though you know it's usually how you are? "

" What if they ask if you're doing okay because you somehow don't seem like it and then you don't know exactly how to respond because the question is so sudden? "

But none of those compare to the worst one;

" What if you take too long to reply due to thinking so hard and they just walk away wanting to forget even trying with you? "

I appreciate everyone I interact with who tells me to take my time, and who can possibly relate with being slow. Unfortunately, I don't believe you guys truly understand because nonetheless do I feel this weight on my shoulders whereas I'm pressured to put out something quickly. Not wait a few hours to a few days for the sake of those I'm role-playing with. Of course none of us are always in the highest of moods to do what needs to be done due to valid reasons, but being a perfectionist you're technically throwing said reasons away for they appear as nothing but excuses. Now naturally am I a hard worker, so it doesn't affect me too much, but considering how I recovered from burn out a few weeks ago has felt like a slap to the back of my head in attempts for me to notice I actually have been pushing myself too hard.

Why? Because I fear failure.

Everything has a consequence. Every cause has an effect. Everyone knows nothing ends well upon failing to succeed. I claim to be self paced for the sole fact that I don't like being rushed. Not saying you guys do that, but in all honesty a simple reminder of what I still need to do is enough to trigger my subconscious and as of now I kindly would like everyone to not remind me- whether it be in a joking manner or not- of what I didn't do or what I still need to do.

Please, just let me handle stuff whenever I can since I think this is what causes my motivation to constantly fall. I still become overwhelmed like all of you, and that either causes I to work too hard or purposely crawl into a hole and procrastinate. Likely the latter because im becoming tired of going so far into pleasing others.

I want to literally just be myself and no longer roll with this perception of I being this piece of perfection that some probably wouldn't find to be human. Truth is, I am human and forever will I be human. I snapped once before for being called perfect when I know well that I'm not, and I'm close to losing it a second time over the same damn situation. I don't want to be a perfectionist! This isn't who I am!

In conclusion- and not to quote from my favorite band, but Crown The Empire has seriously made me question one thing towards myself; 

" Am I becoming a hologram? "