"Oh my god.."
A second. Thats all it was. just a second of time.
But it felt like an eternity as she watched in shock.
The car moving forward, right at her and then the collission.
BAM!
The next thing she knew she was facing the other car, her vehicle
somehow having been spun around.
She looked to her father in the passenger seat. He held onto the handle thing on the inside ceiling.
Glass was everywhere and she realzied that all the airbags were out.
She blinks, and then he speaks, "go to the back, go to the back and dont move until I say so."
And he leaves the seat as she scrambles back. head aching, body sore, mind disoriented.
He walks over, she hears the sound of his shoes stepping and cruching glass.
When the back door opens for her to come out, more glass falls and she moves, stepping out as he
asses the damage done.
She's suddenly shaking, and tears prick her eyes.
---------------
Its dark, the breathing of her sister beside her fills her ears. But her eyes stay on the ceiling.
The shadows move and writhe.
The scene of the car spinning filling her head. Breathing is hard. She sits up.
But there's the BAM! again and she wants to scream.
She bows her head as she feels hot tears fall.
She's 18, starting college in a month and owes over 6000 in damage.
Her father's driving record is messed up for 5 years because he took the blame.
He has no job, is on disability. She has no job. Her younger sister and mother are the breadwinners here.
---------------------------
she doesnt know anymore, as she stares at the anti depressant pills belonging to her father, for the past few weeks she's been sneaking a pill to help her, and they do help. She confessed to her father she thinks she's depressed, but her mother and sister found out and scoffed at her like she was an attention seeking .
Her father said he'd take her to the doctor the next day to do a check up.
The next day she asks him if their going nd he tells her shes fine and doesnt need to worry
Hours later, he looks at her and says he's not depressed when he takes medicine for depression, and she isnt and that she will never bring
the topic up again.
She silences.
She loses sleep.
xxx
its the next day, her parents are out grocery shopping.
she again holds the bottle of pills, taking one out,
her hands tremble.
She sighs, sitting back, staring at the pill.
Then she pops it into and swallows it with water.
xx
another day and she takes another
xx
another
xx
she goes to grab the bottle, but she finds it empty.
stunned she sits there, tears burning in her eyes as her mind races.
She dros the bottle letting them spill, sobbing into her hands before getting up and walking doenstairs to where her dad keeps his higher dose ones. Her head hurts, body aches, shes so tired, and she pops the lid, pulls out 10 capsules and swallows.
x
"You don't have depression and neither do I. You're fine." her father had said.
But how is she fine, how?
When she cuts her wrists?
When she stays ip past midnight, replaying the days event in her head, crying over her flaws, her imperfections, everything she hates about herself.
When her mother can't accept her, only reprimands her, and her father distances himself and is fighting his own battles?
When her sister verbally abuses her?
When her brother is only irritated by her?
When she cant go see her friends because of cultural differences.
When she has no one..no one but her mind for comfort..
when her mind is also her enemy..
How is she fine?
When she cries to sleep every night?
prays for death?
and imagines all the scenarios and ways to kill herself?
She's not fine..but no ones listening. Because they dont want to believe she's not okay.
So. isnt it logical she find her own escape?
Isnt it logical she escape what keeps her a prisoner?
Isn't it reasonable for her to just end it?
She thinks it is. Its getting harder to hope.
Harder to breathe,.
harder to live.
even when she has friends.
even when so many care for her.
even when people online can talk to her.
shes alone..in her own despondant world and she's dying.
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