Hi everyone. I'm just gonna take a step back and be vulnerable for a moment. Honestly you guys can ignore this but I'm mainly doing this to try and understand a side of myself.
To those who know me very VERY well (there is literally like a handful of you). You know how I hate being vulnerable. It's not who I am. I'm the type of person that will run at the slightest difficulty. I'm so ready to just push everyone away because it's the easiest thing to do. The whole "hurt them before they can hurt me". "Pull away before they push me away" "leave before they leave me". I know this behavior is bad, trust me I do. But it's hard for me to tell myself otherwise. This pattern also comes up in my characters and I'm quick to just shield myself from the pain because I do feel pain when my characters feel pain. That's why some of my characters are quick to push away and quick to assume the worst. My characters can.be cold sometimes and I'm sorry some of you get stuck with me like that. But for those who make it past or to those who get lucky and get my nice goofy characters; I want ti say thank you to all of you. I love you all.
The fact that I'm saying this to all of you is a crazy and scary step for me but I'm trying my best.
I'm self destructive and I ruin good things because honestly I feel like they are too good to be true and that I will get hurt. Because I think there is no way for me to have a good thing right? I mean I feel like it's a trick when I get lucky or that something bad is gonna happen when I'm finally happy. I'm sorry to everyone whom I hurt in the past. It's not fair to hurt you. But honestly it was easier for me to pull away before someone does it to me.
Sorry I don't really know why I'm writing this to all of you and again you can ignore this but this was something that needed to be said. I'm too old to be acting like a child and I'm too old to be self-destructive. I have to try and start getting better.
Love you guys~ let me know who I owe replies too^^ PM me or poke me:)
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