シャドウ・ザ・ヘッジホッグ

the picture above has nothing to do with what i'm about to say.  lol.

i just feel so inadequate nowadays.  like i'm easily replacable.

i don't know.  maybe it's just me getting old.

maybe it's just me not Getting things enough.  letting little things bother me.

but it's hard to have your existance not even acknowledged sometimes.

it's hard waiting for something you suspect won't even come.

maybe rpr has passed me by.  maybe i'm too old for this hellsite.

i lose friends faster than i gain them.  and most of the time i'm left wondering when i'll see them again.

i'm afraid of seeming posessive and clingy, so i try not to bother others.  however, i just want my existence to be acknowledged.

i don't care about the fact that you're busy and can't reply.  i understand.  i'm like that like 3/4 of the year pretty much.

but i care about your well being.  let me know you're okay.  let me know if you're struggling.  let me know if your life is getting better.

i don't care that you have other people to talk to.  i understand.  i have other friends too.

but must i be the one to approach you always?  it feels like you don't even want to talk to me, not even just a hello.  if you don't want me around, just say it.

i don't care about little things like how many other people you have to talk to, but i don't want to carry this by myself.  i don't want to carry this burden with me.

i don't want to always feel like i'm the only one that wants to be here.

honestly, i think i've aged out of this hellsite a long time ago.  i'm just stubbornly clinging on using the reasons of friends to hold on.

and those people are important.  but at the same time, it gets harder.

my lows because of rpr are getting lower.

my highs are few and far in between.

and my normal feels like a dark cloud that looms above my head.

speaking honestly, things bother me more often.

perhaps im more sensitive?  or maybe my threshold has gotten lower.  have people changed too rapidly for me to adjust to?

or like i said before, i'm not suited for rpr anymore.

is it a sign of strength that i don't want to put up with people's bull anymore?  or does that mean i'm getting desensitized to their troubles?

is it a sign of maturity that i say no to situations that make me uncomfortable?  or does that mean i don't care?

should i tell them this limbo of uncertainty bothers me?  or will that become a burden to them?

i hate being uncertain.  i want to know straightforwardly what you feel.  i don't want you to dodge me and give me empty promises.  i rather hear the truth.

perhaps i'm just complaining.  i'm just annoying.

i'm sure that i'll wake up and feel better.  that this will all be old news.

but i'm just human.  i'll feel like this again when i can't move on and carry myself forward anymore.

just because i get over it now, doesn't mean i won't feel this way again.

the circumstances haven't changed.  just my ability to deal with it.  just my ability to stuff it away once again.

thank you if you've read this.  it's good to get my feelings all out and to try and start again with a new slate.

today and like always, i'll comfort myself and move forward.

˙ǝʌɐɥ sʎɐʍlɐ ᴉ ǝʞᴉl ʇɥƃᴉɟ llᴉʍ ᴉ 'ǝɯ ʇsuᴉɐƃɐ suɹnʇ plɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ɟᴉ

stay strong everyone, let's step forward to better days together.

just in case: also i still haven't forgotten how you cast me aside.  i offered my hand and you were the one who ignored me.  don't play the only victim in this game.  you hurt people and pretended you didn't.