✿ taking a small break;

Hello all you wonderful people. If you clicked on this blog with intentions to read it, fantastic, the system works. This is mostly intended for my friends but there are people who aren't on my friendlist whom also deserve to see this. If you're disinterested, by all means you're welcome to leave.

I'll be taking a semi-hiatus due to health reasons. 

A few nights ago I hit a low point beyond what I was capable of handling, and for the first time in years I considered the idea of suicide. In the path that has been my life, this is not a first time it's crossed my mind. In my early teens the thoughts were there and self harm was a normal due to circumstances, but I had thought I matured past that and got on with my life. For me to have those thoughts hit again after so long, I was petrified.

My mental health has always been in a state of decay, the majority of my life I've had things happen that caused my mind to be like this and while I've always put on a brave front, always reached out to help others, I was never truly helping myself. After my thoughts the other night, I finally realised that I did, in fact, need professional help.

I have put in works a plan to get myself back on track mentally. I have reached out to mental heath services in my country/state, have had my employer contact people who are able to support me where and when I need. I had someone drive over an hour to personally visit me yesterday, so that we could start putting a plan in motion. So much happened in the span of 24 hours I was overwhelmed. 
And I cried, a lot. More than I've ever cried in the last 15 years of my life, and it felt so relieving, felt like a huge weight was being lifted off me. 

Next week I will be seeing my GP, to get a referral to see a psychiatrist, because for the first time in over 15 years, I finally feel that I can open up about the things done to me, can open up about everything I've kept bottled up and haunting me. I can finally let go, so that I can move on. 

Mental health is always a tough battle, and many of us don't fully realise how bad we are until one day it just clicks. But until we are ready to accept it, we can't truly move past it.

While I am on semi-hiatus, I will be extremely slack on replies, and I will be extremely picky on who I respond to. So if you see me in one place, replying as one person but not replying as another in other places or even the same place, don't @ me. Don't get up in my face and whine or complain or ask "why are you ignoring me?" Stop associating the ooc me with ic me. If you can't wait for me to be in a better state of mind where I can finally get past all the blocks I've been feeling and in turn giving my all once more, then tell me now. You are free to walk away and it will be fine. 

I'm taking time for me. Because I am important. 

If you are a person who struggles with something, or events of your past, present or even future and you feel like you're not important, listen to me: You ARE important. 
If you are a person who needs help, but you don't know where to start, PM me. I will do what I can to get you started regardless of where you are in the world. There are resources for you, there are people who can help. Don't feel afraid, ashamed or embarrassed for struggling mentally. 

It is okay to NOT be okay.

Please, take a moment to touch base with yourself today, and ask yourself if you're truly okay, but don't feel ashamed if you're not. Identify it, accept it, then take the first step to changing that.

Thank you, for taking the time to read this, if you read it all. And thank you, to the people around me who have been privy to the last 48 hours of this trainwreck that has been me and have stuck by me. I feel blessed that i have incredible people around me. 

-- lilfireball