ANGST POST#1 ( thought I might start warning you about these. Protect the kiddies eyes....))

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AuthorChannie
Created

Today was going....well. It was unusual, but I liked it.

I got over ten hours of sleep, which as roleplayers you all know is rather rare....especially when I was sick as well. Speaking of which I have discovered why I've been sick three times in less than two weeks.....stress. I looked it up and my friend agrees. I made myself sick by stressing out to much.
Stress + anxiety attack = body gives me flu so I stop doing everything and go down with a fever = more falling behind, more stress more anxiety, more sickness
= relapse self harm and suicidal thoughts.
 
I hate being good at maths.
I hate all of this.
 
The arguing is getting worse again. It's ing like two years ago.
Someone will leave this time.
Someone will be left upset.
And I wouldn't be surprised if someone ended up dead.
 
And this time. I'm not strong. I'm not the backbone of the kids around here. I collapsed after the first time and yet I've got three younger kids depending on me. I can't do this.
And I can't rely on anyone to do it for me.
 
I hate putting this out there.
But I'm scared. I'm weak and I'm going to bleed again tonight.
So much for the clean record.
 
My nightmares are back.
My tendencies to be quiet and hide in corners are back.
My focus my self confidence.
My weight gain.
It's all gone.
 
Yet again, I hate putting this out there. But I need somewhere to scream this other than at people who will hurt me for saying this.
 
I'm not brave like you guys.
I can't talk back to my parents, just mod robotically and take the blame, do the chore, take the punishment.
My nightmare was about me talking back....and the punishment that came..
 
 
I just want to curl up in a corner while everything falls around me.
 
I can write a paragraph to stop someone committing suicide.
A page to convince them not to cut.
But I can't do it for myself, it doesn't work.
And when someone does it for me I know all the replies.
It's takes something I wouldn't expect to stop me doing this sort of thing....and they don't come often.
 
I'll be in my corner, with my tears and my blanket if you want me.
Im sorry to the friends  who only know me as happy. I have a dark side.
I didn't want you to see it.
 
Semi-hiatus.
Whilst I fall apart.
Again.

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XiuMiniature 11 years ago
umma, I'm not really sure what to tell you now. I wish that I had some miracle words that would give you all this self confidence and it would stop the relapses and the nightmares and every thing else but the truth is I don't. I'm here though. I'm here for you and nicola is too, everyone else will be for as long as you need us to be supporting you. You may think that you have to put yourself first and make sure that everyone else if okay but you don't. That'll get you no-where. Forget about everyone else's problems for a little while and let us help you fix yourself up again. Please. I know this probably won't help because I'm pretty useless and crap at helping other people but I wanted to try anyways. You haven't got long there, a year and three quarters, two years maybe? You can stay at my place whenever you need to, nicola's too probably. I know it's not much use telling you to stay strong - it's probably a little too late for that but just . . . try and find something to stick around for. You've got so much ahead of you umma; singing, dancing, styling - the world is yours, you can do what you want with it. I'm not really sure what else to do, I wish I could understand umma; I wish I could help. I don't though. I don't really know what to do apart from being here for you. I'm bloody young and useless and I wish I wasn't. I can't say that I know what it feels like cause I have a comparatively 'normal' life at home, but just remember that there's people here for you who understand. Maybe not me, but people like Sha onnie, and Caitlin onnie, and Appa, and they can understand and help you a lot more than I can. I'll continue to try to help though. Remember that, okay umma? Saranghae <3
mangos 11 years ago
All i can say is, your like a mirror of me. I am exactly like you, and that's scary. Just now, that you have friends here who can help you and make you feel happy <3 Stress is really terrible for you, for me for anyone, it won't make you think straight, and i'm always here for you to give you advice. <3 okay?

We are all here to help and give you advice, and make you happy as well. Just know, don't bottle up your emotions, it will get worse, trust me, from 2011 and now, my life isn't so great than what it used to be before my parents divorce. so your not the only one, your aren't lonely, if you need someone to cry with you, i'll cry with you, even thought it might be silly cause we are miles away, i'll cry with you. <3 okay?


So don't over-stress yourself too much, cause you'll just end up getting sick. if you need anyone to talk to like i said, your friends or me are always here for you. <3 okay bby?
AcOsAdOr 11 years ago
/hugs
hey... its okay to cry & feel like a helpless one.. I too have gone through this..when I was twelve I got pancreas (still continuing) and my very own father will always shout at me for eating & say "why you are still alive? its better if you die" "you're a pain to fsmily " & shiety things to me.... I got so depresses that I couldn't even make friends during my high school.... I felt so empty & broken.. and thought of ending my life. I'd cry at night alone.

so I slightly get how you feel. the thought of your presence & affecting others life or who you think look up at you & how will they act if you let their hopes down... these things are not little easy to deal with for a single person but don't do anything reckless...
we are all here to hear you out & let out whatever you have inside you bottled up...


Don't feel lonely...
Thunder 11 years ago
I don't even know why we're friends on rpr, I've never spoken to you before (?)

I wish I could write that emotional , inspiring, life changing page of why you shouldnt try to kill your self or self harm. (¿ same thing ?) But I just cant. I see it so much that it doesnt even shock me anymore. Seems like everyone is out to kill themselves and I've realised over time that virtual hugs and pleading dont really work.
So I'm going to keep it short and sweet. You're what.. 18 maybe ? A few years younger or older. Life expectancy on average is .. 72 for a female. You've got so much ahead of you. Plenty of people go through it and make it out of the other sode. Dont be the fool that gives in leaving a family, friends and all these people who read this behind feeling lie utter because you're gone.

OTL I wish I was a trained doctor or something then I could acctually help but um yeah I'm not. I didnt want you to think you're alone. /shuffles away awkwardly/
63d328e4d30a2b03325e 11 years ago
Channie ;~; ugh *hugs*
-ster 11 years ago
You need to call me asap
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