Today was going....well. It was unusual, but I liked it.
I got over ten hours of sleep, which as roleplayers you all know is rather rare....especially when I was sick as well. Speaking of which I have discovered why I've been sick three times in less than two weeks.....stress. I looked it up and my friend agrees. I made myself sick by stressing out to much.
Stress + anxiety attack = body gives me flu so I stop doing everything and go down with a fever = more falling behind, more stress more anxiety, more sickness
= relapse self harm and suicidal thoughts.
I hate being good at maths.
I hate all of this.
The arguing is getting worse again. It's ing like two years ago.
Someone will leave this time.
Someone will be left upset.
And I wouldn't be surprised if someone ended up dead.
And this time. I'm not strong. I'm not the backbone of the kids around here. I collapsed after the first time and yet I've got three younger kids depending on me. I can't do this.
And I can't rely on anyone to do it for me.
I hate putting this out there.
But I'm scared. I'm weak and I'm going to bleed again tonight.
So much for the clean record.
My nightmares are back.
My tendencies to be quiet and hide in corners are back.
My focus my self confidence.
My weight gain.
It's all gone.
Yet again, I hate putting this out there. But I need somewhere to scream this other than at people who will hurt me for saying this.
I'm not brave like you guys.
I can't talk back to my parents, just mod robotically and take the blame, do the chore, take the punishment.
My nightmare was about me talking back....and the punishment that came..
I just want to curl up in a corner while everything falls around me.
I can write a paragraph to stop someone committing suicide.
A page to convince them not to cut.
But I can't do it for myself, it doesn't work.
And when someone does it for me I know all the replies.
It's takes something I wouldn't expect to stop me doing this sort of thing....and they don't come often.
I'll be in my corner, with my tears and my blanket if you want me.
Im sorry to the friends who only know me as happy. I have a dark side.
I didn't want you to see it.
Semi-hiatus.
Whilst I fall apart.
Again.
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