Kdksksklslla

I hate when I'm feeling like I'm being blatantly ignored. Like it may just me feeling that way, but I'm noticing it a lot. Like I'll be left out of important discussions or left on read constantly but when it comes to other people, they're answered immediately. 

Maybe it's my not being used to being around people anymore or possibly the fact that my friends at home can't be around me as much that I cling onto chats at times.

Before COVID hit I had severely clung to human/personal interactions. But it's ruined it in nearly every way. Like when I am with my friends, they get tired easily, and I get that. They want to go home. But I guess I've become clingy? With in-person and online friends, I feel like maybe they find me annoying? Where some will just ignore me or, for friends at home, they'll make excuses to not spend time with me? 

Maybe I'm going crazy and am finally at the point of loneliness that people felt at the beginning of COVID. But idk, I'm scared and paranoid because this has happened before and I lost a lot of friends during that time? I really don't want to be alone, I hate being alone. 

And I know that some people are around no matter but I am still just ? I don't know. Lonely? Maybe I'm hitting a weird patch this week? But I felt like this for a couple of weeks too? But it's hit the hardest this week? I don't know. This has gotten much longer than I anticipated but I just needed to write it down or smth. 

My thoughts are really all over the place and it's probably not the healthiest, especially since when that happens, I say things I really shouldn't or can't filter myself out as well as before. 

Idk. I'm just. Idk? 

Maybe I'm over being there for people when they need me but they're not there for me when I need them? 

Or something? 

I don't know. I'm a mess. Maybe I'm just stressed. Maybe I just miss how I was before this pandemic. 

I can't say I miss how I was before coming back to rpr though. I know rpr isn't the reason I'm feeling this way. This website actually has helped me quite a bit despite me complaining about it. But I will say that my weird mindset at the moment is causing my muse to go down the drain here. Idk.

I guess I need a period where I just don't need to think? It's been a very long time since I've done that. Just stopped and thought to myself. 

But if I go away or go on hiatus, things will disappear. Plots I love will disappear. Roleplays and maybe even friends will disappear. Everything will be gone if I take a step back. It's not fair that others seem to be able to and are able to maintain everything.

But the moment I do, I know everything won't be the same anymore and maybe my lonely spiral will become worse. 

None of what I'm saying is making any sense. It's all just nonsense being spewed into some sort of format and thoughts. Possibly it's a way fo my trying to comprehend my emotions? I've been having a hard time with that recently. Am I happy or sad. Am I angry? I feel like I'm always angry though, that's an emotion I am quite aware of. 

I know I am happy when I see my friends or my boyfriend. But both end are too busy for me sometimes. 

Am I happy when I play games? But then I do not get to have a personal conversation. But if I have a personal conversation, I feel that people get bored of me. 

Do I talk too much? Maybe. Maybe that's it? I talk so much that people are becoming sick of it? I've been told to shut up before because I can't seem to sit still and be quiet. Never by friends, but by colleagues and family. But maybe my friends just don't know how to tell me tobbe quiet so they end up just quietly drifting from me or even avoid me or even just stop responding or acknowledging me. 

Am I just being an attention ? Is that all it is? Do I just want attention? I guess? Maybe I want to be acknowledged without forcing someone to acknowledge me. 

But the only time that happens, usually, is if I do something note-worthy. And even then, that acknowledgement is brief and I am once more the one doing the work. 

But who am I to judge. I am also becoming the person that has a hard time remembering messages. I used to not be. But maybe...is it because of the fact I've unconsciously given up on trying to become even more close to others privately? Where I am more willing to interact in a group setting, where, if I am ignored, it is not as painfully obvious? 

Maybe I am just sad. Maybe I'm just tired and it is making me think strange things. Maybe my mind just hates me being happy and just develop this paranoia in order to hurt me. I don't know. I hate this. Should I try harder? I don't know

Is it possibly that I just have too much downtime now? I feel like I'm home all the time. Should I get a second job so that I dont think of such things? Then I can save more money and also put myself out of my misery when it comes to thinking too much. 

I don't know what I'm saying anymore I just know that whatever it is, I hate it.  I'm tired and lonely and I just want something. But what is that something? I do not know.