Lost

I'm normally not someone to trouble people with my . But I have no one to talk and I feel hurt, sad and helpless so I decided to just write it all out. Maybe writing it down will already help...
I don't know where to start. Maybe yesterday and then work back or at the beginning?
Maybe with this?
I have been cleaning for nearly 4 to 5 years now. I used to hurt myself but not in the last 4 years I thought I was getting away but yesterday I did something. I didn't hurt myself but I really wanted to it was so bad to tge point that I decided that either I get the blade I am still hiding even now or I get a glass of strong alcohol and drown myself in it.
For my own sake and because I know that people will see me tomorrow I chose the alcohol at least the wounds drowned with it are not visible.
It was a way out and a helpless solution in a bad situation. I have not talked to anyone but my family in 3 month. No friends no support at all and it hurts and triggers me bit by bit until I am no longer able to ignore the pain.
I always act tough and untouchable and like nothing effects me but beeing completely thrown away and ignored hurts no matter who you are.
Thus weekend was especially painful. Watching my "friends" go out have fun and enjoy the restrictions beeinf lifted without me because no one even thought about inviting me is painful. It is a slap in the face by people I thought of as my friends. And this has been going on for month.
I am a shy extrovert I need a safety line to bit feel lost but when I do I'm really easy to be around and I only take a few minutes to get to know half of the people where ever I am. I need to socialise to recharch my mental battery and I love to be around people.
But now I don't have anyone to go out with and it us taking a toll on me and I start blaming myself hurting myself and scolding myself for being who I am because of it.
I normally don't talk about things like this because I feel like I annoy people only bagging for attention and stuff like that so I stay quite I smile and I take everyone's . Since I'm strong I can take it.
But I can't anymore. I'm hurt and I need to write it all down say it out loud.
To everyone who ended up reading this I'm sorry I annoyed you with my problems.