I mean..just..do you know?{Trigger Warning. If you can't handle drk/deep/semi-suicidal thoughts don't click}

That feeling..

The one where..you ask yourself what you're doing.. and your mind draws a blank..

Where you want to do something important...but you have nothing to do..

Where you feel like everything is caving in on you...but nothing is..its an illusion..

Where you're fooling no one but yourself with your act of working hard..

Where you realize how little you're worth to a lot of people..

Where..where you want to break, want so badly to snap.. to fall to..to be hurt..

But you know doing so would fail and you'd be criticized, given sympathies and hurt those

who you've tried your hardest to protect..to keep safe..

Why is it that though you can fight for so many people..stop so many suicides..support so many

people emotionally...

You can't support yourself?

Why is it when you ask people 'do you think I'm positive..or do I seem negative even when I try to be positive?'

The truth is spelled out right there with the reply 'I think you're only negative towards yourself'.'

Why does seeing that hurt when I know thats the most accurate description of me?

How come, I'm still somehow dreaming of meeting a guy who'll take care of me and love me..

Who won't want to take me on the bed the night we get married..

Why is it..I just can't find any friends to take care of me the way i wish i could be cared for..

mainly because when I have a friend I just can't bring myself to show them I'm a monster..a demon..

why am I such a child at heart? So lost..so confused..so..upset..

and then when I face real life problems..adult things..I want to turn away and not think about it..

Why can't I stay focused? Why can't I remember..I can't..I can't remember anything..

I have no skills..No talents..

Why do I feel like I myself..am a facade..a liar..

Why do I feel like I lie? I mean I do to my parents..to my brother and sister..

out of habits just so I won't get hit like i used to as a kid-though i know they wont do so any longer- but the habit stuck..

it was self defense..just lie with an answer that makes them happy..

I cant stop now and..I'm not real..

I feel so..so unreal..like I'm something trapped in a computer..just like Hatsune Miku..

In that one video where its the End of Miku..where she gets deleted..

Can I not be that easily removed?

I can..

And yet..I only have one thing to spill my heart out to..

And that's my diary..which I want burned before I pass away just because I don't want to hurt anyone..I don't want anyone to read the entries..

I don't want anyone to cry to hate themselves..

Why am I so imperfect?

Why am I..me..here..I serve no purpose and I can think of nothing..

I give out so much advice..yet I myself cannot follow..

Can I just vanish? Not die..just..dissappear..star a ne life..a different life..

I can't..but sometimes..I can dream..ofcourse..

All dreams come to an end..and I'm no exception..

I need to be in a coma..not wake up..just dream..forever and not know I'm dreamibng..

yes..that'd be perfect..