My Mother Might Pass Tonight...

She's in a really bad condition, on bypass and stuff, and they're thinking of putting her on regular oxygen, since that's what she usually takes. They say she might not be able to make it. 

I honestly don't know how to feel. To be honest, I expected this to happen years ago, but my mother was just strong enough to hold on since 2007... Should I have seen this coming? 

This past year, I've known two girls, online, that I wasn't very close to. One had a serious heart condition, I didn't know her until she built the courage to make a farewell statement. The other one had leukemia. I had talked to her a few times. The girl was stunning and gorgeous. She even sent me a JYJ postcard for my birthday after I playfully asked for one. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I found out that she was dying. 

Could these experiences have been foreshadows? During both times, even though I didn't know the two well, I fell into a small depression. It wasn't anything big really. Just maybe a few hours of darkness to myself. Thinking about what would happen if my mother died. But I shook my head everytime, believing she was immortal. She had been through so much, this is nothing to her now, I thought. 

But just the other day, she attempted to commit suicide and was taken to the hospital for mental purposes, but because of her condition, they had to put her in a regular hospital in the ICU. 

She was in the hospital for a few days before I even considered visiting her. She wouldn't let my father see her because she was so angry at him for taking her to the hospital. In all honesty, I'd never seen her so weak in my life. Perhaps it was because my older siblings wouldn't let me into the room when she had been so weak or because she always perked up when she saw me, her baby. That day, she had a small heart attack before I saw her. I have no idea what the doctors and nurses are doing to her at all. Just that they keep giving her drugs to control her symptoms and such. And honestly, I think it's an awful idea that they have. 

Today, my mother was throwing up a lot, so the nurses gave her nausea medication that put her to rest. My father thought that since she was asleep, he could go back home to take care of my disabled sister for a while, but immediately, he got a call about her worsening condition. 

When I saw her today, I didn' t know what kind of condition she would have been in. I thought it was just going to be a regular, "Oh, hey mom. Hug? Oh, fine," thing, but it wasn't at all. She was breathing heavily into a machine that seemed to breathe for her, surrounded by relatives from my father's side. Her entire family lives in different states. Her hands were swollen and cold, so I had to massage her. 

Honestly, I didn't want to stay there at all. I hate seeing my mom like that, and I'm sure she'd hate it for me to see her like that. 

Considering the bypass thing and the possibility of her not being able to survive, she had always told us not to put her on life support. She said that if she had the chance to stop the suffering without forcing it, it'd be better for her. And everyday she'd remind me about how when she'll die, she'd take a vacation and wouldn't even bother haunting us. Even though she also reminded me everyday that she would spoil my kids and make them chug soda before she sent them back home with me to get revenge on me from when I was a child that consumed sugar 24/7. 

I don't know why, but I'm going to set the happy things aside right now because it's going to make me cry. What makes me most angry about this situation, is that I think my grandmother is completely happy that she outlived my mom. :\ 

I wonder if my dad will remarry if my mother does pass... He has really good mojo, but he also has a disabled child that he loves to no end. And if it's my dad, he'll probably date some bimbo that wouldn't compare in intelligence to my mother. If he remarries, I'll probably move out as soon as I can. 

Which reminds me... My mom secretly made "plans" with people. I'm not sure if she was just being crazy, or she was really calling up people with connections because during the past few weeks, she'd been really really mental, if I should say it that way. 

If my mother passes, how will I get over it, though... I know several people who have lost a parent and they're bright as day. Each and everyone of them are deep and passive, but never fail to make someone's day. 

I don't think I'm that kind of person. 

I just realized that her youngest sister's wedding is this weekend, too. I think the entire family's going to be there, but my mother and a few of my siblings. I really hope my mother doesn't pass before her youngest sister's wedding...