sometimes we just break a little harder than usual

things will be okay in the end. after all we only break if we allow ourselves to break. i was tired. so i havent been careful recently. i just need time. i'll be okay again. i grew up. i know how to get back up after tripping and breaking a bone or two. i know how to fix it, and i've learnt over the years how to calm myself down fast so i wont panic or cry. i admit im making myself less human. i dont think of the pain from scraping my knee. but the people who are like warm hugs and love that are in my life remind me that im human and i remember how to hurt that why. i dont like it one bit. even if the warm hugs and love are hard to let go, i still dont like being reminded that im human. its hard to choose between letting go or holding on. its a love and hate thing. i dont think i can make up my mind. but i think im letting go more already. bit by bit. and i also thought about it. about love. you know? the romantic kind. i try to picture myself with someone, anyone, even him. but i failed miserably. when i started rejecting romance more, i did not know. its too young for me to say. but i think me and love (the romantic kind) were never meant to be. but anyway. i'll probably find myself horribly- find myself thinking all the bad things about myself again, that im so embarassing for talking about breaking bones, scraping knees and letting go or not letting go. even if i let go bit by bit, it seems, my human nature pulls me back. im always back to square one in the end. but im glad i didnt shout or tear up this time. when my emotional bull struck this time. im glad i wasnt too crazy. at the same time, i wished i cried. because i dont remember the last time i did. i want to feel but i dont want to feel. i find this tiring. again, i repeat, i will probably find myself pathetic and embarassing again if i read this or think back to my feelings (ew) from tonight during tomorrow. its funny. its like having drunken with someone you shouldnt have with. when youre doing it, its so wrong it feels right. the next day you wake up and realize everything, its so wrong that its just wrong and wrong alone and its probably so embarassing either. ah. i really should stop having such a strange mind. broken bones, scraped knees, and drunken . i find myself strange. but its okay. i dont mind strange. i always accepted that side of me. im glad i wrote this. i feel calm. but. my back hurts. youre right gaby, im a grandma. but like i said, it takes one to know one. (because i know you'll call me a grandma when i say my back hurts so thats why im saying that phrase in advance, if this makes any sense)