HomeSick

When I first moved here, to the States, I was really young and all I knew was, hey, I'm going to Disneyworld! What kid wouldn't be excited. I didn't understand things were going to be so... permanent. So, I could never experience culture shock or homesickness. I was a kid, adaptable. But little did I know, I would slowly start to miss out on experiences I had grown used to back home.

Lo' and behold, 13 years later and I've graduated from high school here, fluent in Spanish and English, knowledgeble a bit in other languages and going into adulthood. I have so many opportunities here I problably wouldn't have had in Mexico. I know I have a better life because we moved here and I'm away from danger I could have experienced there. But all for what?

Lately, recently I've been watching stuff with my family or hearing my parents talk about places in Mexico I never got to see. Never got to go to. I'm a stranger to my own country. Hearing them talk about it, remembering what I do have in my memory of it, my heart aches for it. So much of  my home I never got to see and who knows how long before I can go back?

I think what makes it worse is the family seperation of it all. The most recent I saw family from Mexico has been about 5 years. My little cousin Brandon is bigger than me! His older sister got married and I couldn't be there. My dad's sister's wedding years back I missed it. The birth of her daughter, I've yet to meet her. My cousin's asking when I can see them. I have so much family I haven't even met. Yes, I have family in Cali, but that's a small portion.

My mom's mom, my grandma, came to see us a few times. The first time because one of my aunt's passed away. She's getting old, and weak. And I just found out she's pretty sick. There's no way she can come visit anytime soon. And we don't have the means to go see her. It's been almost 2 years. 

I miss Mexico. I miss my home. And when I feel like this, I feel so lonely, so sad. I feel like a stranger. What would it have been like if I had stayed there? 

Right now, I feel so down, thinking about it, that amongst other things going on, has me restless. 

I'm so lonely right now.