Personal rants

 

It really hurts my feelings when my parents never listen to me. They always have to but in before I can finish what I'm saying. When I bring up something they don't like they act like immature little teenagers and roll their eyes. I can't talk to them about my feelings either because usually they blame things on me. Like when ever I talk to my mom about how I feel sad etc, she just says I'm whining  and want attention . When all I really want is for my bad thoughts to go away. I just want to tell her I'm hurting inside. My dad says it's because I never do anything good. I'm not sure what I can do anymore at this point. I can't go to therapy like people suggest. I can't tell my friends this because I feel like we always get in fights talking about me being sad and it's just too awkward. I can't tell my school consular because he ends up calling my parents anyways. I can only make dumb ranting stuff like this. 

I'm just never treated like how I should be in my house. Sorry if I'm sounding like a spoiled brat. 

My sister tends to hit me, not as much as she did before. But the weird thing is I know I can hit just as hard but I never hit back. It's just that one little thought of what if

What if I hit her too hard causing her injures What if I end up making her cry? As stupid as this sounds I never ever want to make my older sister cry. If I ever made her cry I would never forgive my self. Maybe because I see her as this strong lion who can never be defeated  Well she is a Leo lol.

Some days my dad comes home really angry and likes to say words I rather not repeat . He usually likes to insult my mother. She's so use to it. I remember when I was around four or five I was hugging my mom . She was crying from something my dad did, I don't quite remember what he did. I know It was something really mean though. I think he acts the way he does from stress. It's hard taking care of four kids. 

I always make people upset in my house. I know that almost everything I do upsets my parents. I think that's why I like to use the internet as a distraction from what's happening inside my house. I'm not sure what else I would do. Probably sleep or read.  Both of those don't really make me happy. Internet doesn't either but it helps. I wish I had my own little world I could escape to when things get really bad at home. I wish I didn't live on the highway. Trust me, if I did I would rarely ever be home. At my old house I use to go to the park a lot or the woods and just relax. I loved being alone then. I loved nature and hearing the birds. I even spent a lot of time even in winter outside. I didn't care if my feet were freezing. All I wanted to do was walk around and explore. It's such a nice thought to think about. I wish I could do that now. But I would probably get ticks. Plus the grass is long and full of spiders. Having a bunch of trees in my back yard would be cool. But I don't have that lol. I need something like that in my life now. It would be my own little therapy. Only nature would listen.