I'm such an attention

The only way people will even respond to anything I say at all is if I say I want to kill myself. Like , it's true, but damn. It's pretty damn screwed up if the only thing anyone responds to is suicide. Geez, it could be soooo easily prevented if only you answered to the desperate cries. I mean, I'm completely sure I won't do it to myself. I'm more consciously aware than that. But if all I have are negative emotions that only feel positive compared to other negative emotions, then , of course I don't want to ing deal with it. Do I look like a responsible person to you? no. My room is a ing mess, my life is a ing mess, my mind is a ing mess. I would go to a therapist, but I'm too damn afraid they're going to just treat me like an obstacle like everyone else does. I haven't felt real care in so long. I just need a hug, honestly, to even go by these days. I've become so desperate for any sign of affection lately that I've even let the clingy nerds that have a crush on every girl they see hug me whenever they see me. Heck, I even encourage it. It's not that they're icky or that I hate them or anything, it's just that my entirety of affection have come from just occasional hugs from strangers that I honestly don't feel 100% comfortable hugging. Hopefully though I hit it off with this girl that I've known for a while that's pretty much just like me, except she has problems with bullies instead of social isolation. We're both so socially immobile, it's pretty much impossible for either of us to talk to each other. I really hope we support each other in the future and present, though, because we honestly both need it as much as possible. I feel like I can completely understand her, but I'm not sure that she feels the same way because lately I've just been really sadly desperate for any sign of connection.