Why?

Why am I here? Do I even have a purpose in this miserable place called earth? Do I even have a future after school? Will I ever pass the tests they give me at school? Will I forever disappoint my parents, bringing shame down to my family for being a stupid asian. Everyone tells me that if I try hard enough, i'll succeed. Well what if I told you that i'm trying my hardest, yet my ing stupid brain doesn't let it function right. What if I told you that whenever I laugh at my grades, i'm actually crying inside, stabbing myself because i'm such a failure in everything I do, say or wear. Why am I always acting as if i'm happy at school? Well guess what guys? Maybe its because I don't want people to ing ask me, "Whats wrong?" "Are you alright?" just shut up and mind your own buisness! I have the right to hide my sadness to everyone because I don't want them to ing worry about me. Acting all plastic, fake and . I hate it. What if I told you that whenever i'm having my mood swings, its actually me fighting with myself. You may think i'm sounding stupid and like a lunatic, but its true. I honestly don't wanna live anymore. Don't ing tell me that I have a purpose to live and have a future ahead of me. Because, guess what guys? I don't. So don't be so ing delusional to tell me that . ... even the dumbest person in the world, can have a better live than I will ever have. I don't wanna be in the same place with people who 'pretend' to like me. Hate me for no ing reason. Or ing judge me for who I am. For your ing information, I am Me. You is You. So all i'm gonna say if You if you ever ing judge me again. Yes, I admit i'm probably the most dirty-minded person in the whole school (adding the boy's college and the senior college). Yes, I know I disgust people by my ing swearing, gangster, tomboyish attitude. Yes, you guys may think of me a ed creep. But guess what? You guys don't know that I feel violated everytime someone touches me in places I don't want them to touch. Though I do that to some people, its because i'm close with them. I love them as if they're my sister. I don't ing touch you just to ing harass you. I have my reasons why I backhug or hug people and they are because there's just no one to hug at home. No one to comfort me. There's no ing shoulder to cry on. I'm alone. Forever and always. I got ing violated today cause this girl managed to just my s. Of course, you guys may think that because I 'think' i'm biual, it gives me a reason to do skinship to both girls and boys. But no guys. I'm still a ing girl who has her ing weaknesses and trauma's. She ing d my s for pete's sake, behind my back! Thats a ing form of ual harassment. When I was young, I hated skinship. Why? Because I hated the idea of people hugging each other, pecking each others cheek, getting all close even though they're only just friends. I hated it. Thats why, whenever someone tried to hug me, I walk away and ing ignore them. Now... I ing hug all my friends cause I just want to have the empty feeling off me by having someone's warmth with mine. I always feel empty, my heart always ache, my head always hurts. What else? Am I just gonna die because of this stupid depression that's been with me since 1st grade? Why do they always judge me when I have weird hair? Weird accessories? Or anything weird? Why don't they judge the people who do exactly the same thing as I do? Is it because i'm a pathetic asian? There are many people who like Kpop in the school. So why only hate on me? Is it because i'm stupid and unworthy? People may call me a lesbian, but do you guys think I actually want to be one? Not that i'm dissing them or anything, but I actually hate it when someone calls me a lesbian when I just randomly hug someone, even though they ing do it themselves?! I may seem insenstive and not have a care in the world. But i'm starting to grow sensitive, my self-esteem doesn't even exist in my system. Every insult, no matter how stupid or small it is. It ing hurts. I know i'm being a baby right now but its the truth. Example: "Why do you hate Kris so much? You're such an anti-fan." Look guys, I have my reasons why I hate Kris, and I just really like to express it. Don't ing diss me when I say that. Just cause its your ing bias doesn't mean I should like him too. And i'm not an anti-fan if I dislike that one person from the group. I mean come on, some people don't even like Myungsoo yet I don't tell them to like him. I don't pay attention in school because I give up on life. I give up on my life. I give up being alive and wanting to make the most of it. There's just nothing left for me but to feel ashamed, hated and looked down on. Even my friends look down on me, always telling me to try harder, stop going on rp and aff, stop saying this and that. Well guys, to tell you the truth. I actually get annoyed when you say that. I mean, you guys don't even know what i'm going through, you don't understand. I hate my life so ing much that the people in it too are getting involved. And my real life friends can just stop talking to me tomorrow or ever cause that'll always be my fate. Being left behind, forgotten and never spoken to. I get irritated easily but I don't like to show it cause I don't want to seem mean or make people hate me even more which is why people think of me as a weak, clumsy and gullible girl. I may have to change schools or stop going to school this year for the multiple reasons i've just said. You guys can say, reply or do whatever you want, but knowing me. My mind won't change, it'll always be negative, because of its hardheadness. I've become dead, cold and unreliable. So if I come to school tomorrow... i'll understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore.

Love is kind, Love is just. But hate is just as enough as love. But with more sadness, anger and negativity in life.

The only good news i've ever heard in my ing life. Was... "Hey Kaitlyn. You know... you're the most funniest person i've ever met. You're actually the only person who can make me smile and laugh in this school. So feel honoured." - The new girl from our school. Hell yeah I feel honoured. It just proves to show that I am awesome in my own way, I can make people smile even though it's the stupidest thing i've ever done. I can make others feel happy on the inside. But can I actually do it for myself? Nope. Never tried. And never will.