Doing this on phone so it's all messy. This is like my first sorta fanfic after a long time lols. Its angsty, angry and full of broken!HyunYeol, friendship!HyunYeol and onesided!HyunYeol.
Sungyeol always thinks of the 'what ifs' to this problem-but-not-a-problem in his life. For awhile, it seems like his heart might waver, but reality reminds him it won't. And when that happens its just relief and annoyance all over.
He feels relief at not having to risk getting Woohyun's hopes up only to stomp on them ruthlessly when Sungyeol hits the limit.
Relief that he won't hurt Woohyun again, won't break him.
Relief that Sungyeol himself won't feel like that bird in a locked cage who goes by each day, with a wonderful master, one that he loves, and who loves him back.
Relief that he won't have to risk winding up realizing that that love isn't enough to keep him there in that cage for the second time, and ultimately, maybe he's had the wrong perspective of love, again.
Sungyeol doesn't want to risk both him and Woohyun going through that again and making the both of them come out of that, even more worse than the first time. Even if risking that small waver of his heart might lead to making Woohyun happy and that Sungyeol can slowly heal the cracks he's put in this beautiful human because—oh God. Sungyeol really hadn't meant to do that, never wanted, never wants to. And knowing that he broke Woohyun tore his heart to bits even if he couldn't bear to love and be loved by Woohyun any longer.
Sure, he still loves Woohyun, as a person, a friend, a brother.
Just not as a lover, not anymore.
His annoyance is really just all directed to himself. Something along the lines of, 'why are you not returning the love of such a wonderful person already' or 'why are you such a coward'.
Okay, so truth is, maybe its not really misconception as much as its this unexplainable fear. Sungyeol knows that he is a coward, in more ways than one.
Two weeks after they'd started dating, Sungyeol looked him in the eye and the first thing he realized was, "Oh God, he loves me." and he can bet on his life and dreams that he is not delusional nor did he misread that look in Woohyun's eyes. People don't misread things like this.
It's like when they say you know that person is the one, you just know.
No questioning it, no doubting it.
Sungyeol just knew at that moment (he was proven right when Woohyun himself said it). The next thing he knew was, that he'd never be able to return this. He doesn't know how to, doesn't love Woohyun enough for that, that thisbullcalledlove was too much for him. The four letters were tangling up and gripping his throatheartentirebeing, suffocating his entire being with what felt like burden. That was the first time he realized, he probably couldn't ever have feelings for someone properly. The thought of a relationship getting serious and involving the Iloveyous would make him feel like he would burn from the inside out in raw fear (honestly, he still hasn't found the most accurate word for it but fear is the closest thing to it), like this huge beast would claw its way out pf Sungyeol's skin and rip 'love' to shreds till it never exists.
He blames it on his immaturity (and maybe his parents relationship, yeah, maybe) and the fact that he never stays obsessed with anything for a long time.
It's either he gets obsessed and then it fades and he goes to the next thing that fascinates him and never looks at it again. Or else he goes back to the obsession and is obsessed with something else and then it's back to square one, but that's only if he really likes that thing.
He's okay with friendlove, and familylove.
Yeah, so maybe, he doesn't give out his friendlove and familylove to a lot of people but, its better than that other kind of love.
Honestly, it's not just love. Feelings aren't easy for him.
They're really scary, is what he thinks.
So because of his cowardice, their relationship ended in 3 weeks. Oh, and Sungyeol knew how much of a little he was to Woohyun near the end. It still kills him everytime he thinks about it. It's been awhile since those 3 weeks now. But Woohyun hasn't given up and still acts like they still have a chance when ohmyinghell the idiot doesn't realize it.
And Sungyeol swears he has never hated love so much or felt so annoyed by it (and you add in the fear, pity and disgust) all these are because of the fact that Woohyun is still pining after him and also because of all of the ways Sungyeol feels towards this love.
And he hates himself over it a lot.
And amongst all that negativity there is the sadness and hurt that he caused this hopeless situation.
They'd even talked about it, and he'd tried to get Woohyun to forget him but the delusional idiot won't get it.
Often, the anger and sadness blends together so strongly he can't tell which is the more dominant one.
Woohyun tells him that he thinks Sungyeol is the one. Sungyeol explains that it works two way.
Sungyeol sometimes wonders that if he were someone else, maybe if he had the heart to love, would he have loved Woohyun?
But of course, the idiot ruins it by saying that that's not happening because he'll only ever love Lee Sungyeol because amongst all the others, Sungyeol's the one than shines brightest in his eyes—theres a rush of pained warmth, anger and frustration and he can't decide whether to kill himself or kill Woohyun.
Then, Woohyun tells Sungyeol that he loves him (for the third time) and Sungyeol just keeps quiet.
Because.
Because, how do you tell someone who loves you and thinks you're "the one" that, 'We were never meant to be'?
And, because Lee Sungyeol is a coward, he thinks, 'what if'.
If he could choose one emotion of his to erase, he would choose 'love'.
Authors Note(?): Oh wow what is this mess. Idek if the title is English. (ChOKES) And my language skills are all clunsy and screwed because I havent written anything in ten years. I need to sleep, I'm sick lmao. But I had to get this out. It took me exactly one hour lol.
Anyway, I find that when its one sided love thats being written about, a lot of it is on the unrequited (is this spelt right) side or about breakups and no one thinks of how the other side that doesnt return feelings feels and they end up as jerks and are judged. Thats not entirely true is one thing I want to say. Someone needs to write about what the other side feels and maybe this mess is what some of them might feel. But feelings are complicated and bizzare so maybe not.
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