Date: Thursday September 11, 2014
Entry: 5
Title: I feel so dumb
Notes: Well I'm just bored, I don't care if you read this or not, It's just something for me to do everyday.!
Credit: < a tori creation >
Hello beautiful people,
Hello. I am back after a day of being gone. First of all, there is an itch on my arm that won't go away, and it's making me angry. Anyhow, I will tell you about my boring day. I am getting sick so there really isn't much to say. But I went to school as usual, and my throat was hurting just a bit, but I am just like, I'll be fine and get over it by the end of the day. No! I go to school and it gets worse. I get a headache, and I feel weak all day. Like I can't do crap. Anyhow the parade that I was so excited about got cancelled. Well the parade didn't but we did, we aren't marching in it. So! I am quite upset about that, but I will get over it.
So... the reason that this Entry is titled 'I feel so dumb' is because I honestly do. I sit here and think that someone likes me for a really long time, when I stop to think for a moment. It's not them that likes me, it's me that likes them and I just think that so I won't have to admit the fact, or actually get my hopes up that someone that I like likes me back. Yes, I don't know why but the people I don't like end up liking me and I have very good reasons not to like them. But then when I actually like someone... they don't like me back. I don't know, I generally don't care for having relationships... but I'm a person... and I like feeling loved sometimes. You know what I mean? Actually no, I am lying. Because I can't keep a relationahip to last for the life of me. Maybe if I actually liked the person, instead of dating them out of kindness because I am a heartless person who doesn't know how to say no. Anyway it's not that I want a relationship with anyone it's just that I feel lonely. I feel like a lot of people don't like me. Girls always tell me that a lot of guys would like to date me because I am really pretty. But I always feel like people don't like me because when they even get on the topic of dating me they always sound disgusted. So what I am trying to say... is that I just wish people liked me. I don't know. I can't explain why, but I always feel like I'm not that pretty, that I am fat and everything. I can't help it. I know all this isn't the truth because what kind of person wears a size 1 jeans and is considered fat? No one, but it's like this little person in my head saying these things to me and making me believe it. Like when I always get upset because I can't talk to people because that person is holding me back. That little voice is telling me that everyone is going to look at you like your stupid and make fun of you. That you should only talk to them if they talk to you first and you actually know how to reply, which is never. So you should just keep from talking to them.
It always annoys me when I tell people that I can't help but think that, and they say just DON'T think like that and you will be fine. I understand that they are trying to be nice and help me, but it's just that I can't stop. I want to, but nothing will let me. I want to talk to people, I want to feel pretty and feel like I'm not fat. I just can't help it and it won't go away. This is why people don't like me, because I have it holding me back from everything that I want to do. I want people to like me for me even if they ask me what I want to do with my life and I think it may sound dumb. It's really not, I know for a fact that I want to become a singer, but I always tell them different because I think that they would judge me, or be like "You? A singer? Ha! That's funny, you can't even talk in class." Then I think I can't fulfill my dreams. Which I always feel like because I always think that I am lacking in something and that I won't ever be able to do what I want to do. I just need a hug, and not a virtual one. I want one from someone in real life who understands me. It can't be family because they are supposed to be there to support you and tell you that you will be able to do what you want with your life.
This year I honestly feel like I have made a big improvement, but when days like today happen I get all sad and I want to cry. I had to eat lunch by myself because I don't have friends. I do, there are 2 of them but they were both gone today. So I was a loner, and no one else wanted to sit with me. Yes, I have other 'friends' but they honestly don't care much about me, it just those people you see for a moment and ask how they are. I say that I want to move all the time, it's because I feel like I don't fit in, and that if I find the right place I will find the right group of friends that I will have things in common with and actually get to hang out with everyday. I don't like being lonely... but my mom and her boyfriend always go out and do things and leave me at home by myself. Yeah they offer to take me with them, but I always reject. Why? Well, I honestly don't have anything in common with them either and since I don't have anyone to talk to I would rather feel alone and actually be alone then be surrounded by a group of people that I am not talking to and just feel like an outcast.
Okay... I got my feelings out. Sorry about that. I just needed to get some ranting out, and sorry if you read it and it doesn't make any sense. That's how I am when I feel sick and have a lot on my mind. But I should be getting to sleep now because I am pretty sure I won't have enough time to look pretty for tomorrow. So good night everyone!
So... the reason that this Entry is titled 'I feel so dumb' is because I honestly do. I sit here and think that someone likes me for a really long time, when I stop to think for a moment. It's not them that likes me, it's me that likes them and I just think that so I won't have to admit the fact, or actually get my hopes up that someone that I like likes me back. Yes, I don't know why but the people I don't like end up liking me and I have very good reasons not to like them. But then when I actually like someone... they don't like me back. I don't know, I generally don't care for having relationships... but I'm a person... and I like feeling loved sometimes. You know what I mean? Actually no, I am lying. Because I can't keep a relationahip to last for the life of me. Maybe if I actually liked the person, instead of dating them out of kindness because I am a heartless person who doesn't know how to say no. Anyway it's not that I want a relationship with anyone it's just that I feel lonely. I feel like a lot of people don't like me. Girls always tell me that a lot of guys would like to date me because I am really pretty. But I always feel like people don't like me because when they even get on the topic of dating me they always sound disgusted. So what I am trying to say... is that I just wish people liked me. I don't know. I can't explain why, but I always feel like I'm not that pretty, that I am fat and everything. I can't help it. I know all this isn't the truth because what kind of person wears a size 1 jeans and is considered fat? No one, but it's like this little person in my head saying these things to me and making me believe it. Like when I always get upset because I can't talk to people because that person is holding me back. That little voice is telling me that everyone is going to look at you like your stupid and make fun of you. That you should only talk to them if they talk to you first and you actually know how to reply, which is never. So you should just keep from talking to them.
It always annoys me when I tell people that I can't help but think that, and they say just DON'T think like that and you will be fine. I understand that they are trying to be nice and help me, but it's just that I can't stop. I want to, but nothing will let me. I want to talk to people, I want to feel pretty and feel like I'm not fat. I just can't help it and it won't go away. This is why people don't like me, because I have it holding me back from everything that I want to do. I want people to like me for me even if they ask me what I want to do with my life and I think it may sound dumb. It's really not, I know for a fact that I want to become a singer, but I always tell them different because I think that they would judge me, or be like "You? A singer? Ha! That's funny, you can't even talk in class." Then I think I can't fulfill my dreams. Which I always feel like because I always think that I am lacking in something and that I won't ever be able to do what I want to do. I just need a hug, and not a virtual one. I want one from someone in real life who understands me. It can't be family because they are supposed to be there to support you and tell you that you will be able to do what you want with your life.
This year I honestly feel like I have made a big improvement, but when days like today happen I get all sad and I want to cry. I had to eat lunch by myself because I don't have friends. I do, there are 2 of them but they were both gone today. So I was a loner, and no one else wanted to sit with me. Yes, I have other 'friends' but they honestly don't care much about me, it just those people you see for a moment and ask how they are. I say that I want to move all the time, it's because I feel like I don't fit in, and that if I find the right place I will find the right group of friends that I will have things in common with and actually get to hang out with everyday. I don't like being lonely... but my mom and her boyfriend always go out and do things and leave me at home by myself. Yeah they offer to take me with them, but I always reject. Why? Well, I honestly don't have anything in common with them either and since I don't have anyone to talk to I would rather feel alone and actually be alone then be surrounded by a group of people that I am not talking to and just feel like an outcast.
Okay... I got my feelings out. Sorry about that. I just needed to get some ranting out, and sorry if you read it and it doesn't make any sense. That's how I am when I feel sick and have a lot on my mind. But I should be getting to sleep now because I am pretty sure I won't have enough time to look pretty for tomorrow. So good night everyone!
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