it got worse *TRIGGER WARNING*

I really just want to die right now so if you don't want to read this because it's triggering I understand.

so about the last post.. this morning I felt a lot better, however it came back a few minutes ago and it got so much worse..
this time I know what/who triggered it though. lately I've come to realise that often when I get this bad I'm under a lot of pressure, that is EXACTLY what she put my character through. many people would tell me that I'm just stupid for getting emotional about it but ... I don't get emotional about it, I get extremely depressed and my anxiety level goes sky high because of how connected I am with my character..
for the last 30 minutes I've had tears in my eyes and I've been constantly pulling my hair because none of this will stop, it just keeps getting worse and I don't know for how much longer I can keep all of thi inside, it's starting to get out of hand and I can't handle my attacks anymore, they're too extreme at this point that it makes me sad I've touched any kind of food today, it makes to sad to know that I don't know where my razors are, it makes me sad to know that I'm not dead.. I know she doesn't know about me suffering from all this, but , doesn't she have a brain that she can think with instead of putting me through all of this?