002: Life has just been...

hard to comprehend..

And i'm really sick for some reason today. I'm talking congestion, itchy throat, forever runny nose, endless sneezing, and blowing my nose 24/7. I think I saw blood it my snot too, but i'm not sure. But that's not the point.

So my mom, yesterday morning, said she was hiding something from my sister and I and so I said "Sooo, are you going to keep hiding it from us orrr are you going to tell us?" And she says "I'm going to tell you" and so I said "What is it?" She sighs and answers, "I've been meeting a guy." I took it that she was lying because my mom likes to joke a lot so I said "Liarrr~" and smacked her arm playfully, an she said, "No, I'm serious." And I still didn't believe her, maybe because I didn't want to. "What's his name?" "Anthony" and then it had occured to me that a few days before, she had gotten a text from him. I said "Anthony said yes" then she was like "Okay." I don't remember what she was doing but I guess she was busy or whatever, and I wondered "Who is Anthony?" "My co-worker." and of course she wasn't telling a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth either. I never thought that my mom was the kind of person to meet a guy or whatever. I know he might be a good one because she's suspicious of everyone and everything but it still.... disgusts me. I said I didn't care but I guess I lied. Maybe I just wanted her to be happy. My dad isn't the best guy in the world, he's selfish, he's been to prison more than 4 times for stupid reasons and didn't treat my mom the best but he's also schizophrenic and feels bad about those things, and she is still married to him. Technically, she is having an affair. I guess my mom is just 'done' with him. It just sickens me, her relationship with anthony. I read their text messages and she sends him selfies and calls him 'baby' and I hate it. I wouldn't even like to see her call my dad 'baby'. I'm contemplating on whether I should say something, she would want me to. She asked us how we felt, yesterday in the car, and while i said i didn't care, I don't know exactly what my older sister said but she wasn't too happy about it because she came home, into her room, and started crying. She said she was also crying in the car. My mom told me not to talk to her because I guess she was going to or she didn't want me to make it worse. So I go to my room and all I hear is her screaming a crying, and it hurts my heart and I want her to stop. I try really hard not to go in there anyway and hug her, so I listen to music. And I can still faintly hear it so I turn the volume up liuder until I can't. I wanted to cry, but I didn't, I was trying to distract myself. It's just so not okay and I wish this wasn't real and never happened. I want my sister to be happy, she can't hide her emotions as well as I can. Even now, as I'm typing this, she's in her room. I don't know if she is awake, but her door is closed. When someone's door is closed in my house, that means we're changing, we want to be alone, or we're sad or angry or whatever. I just can imagine my mom loving anyone else other than my dad but I want her to be happy. I know I probably skipped around a lot or left something out so if you have questions, feel free to ask. But what should I do? I feel like I'm the only thing holding this family together. Should I stay quiet or Should I tell her the truth?

I'm gonna go blow my nose...