So hi everyone,
It's been a really long while since I made a blog. The reason why is because not just i'm busy with school, but also with things happening in school. I deeply reflected since the time i was on holidays (i.e. last December holidays) until now about lots of things.
There were many things that made me hurt and vulnerable, both friendships and issues wise. I'm not just tired and exhausted physically now, but i'm exhausted in physically, mentally and emotionally. I even took a break from the project where i'm working with kids, since most of the issues actually rooted from there. I thought that by taking a break from there, everything would be fine again.
I was damn wrong. I could never get back up on my feet and fulfil my promise to someone. A full recovery in mentality, no setbacks, no going back to square one.
Even after announcing my indefinite break, things still came about. I heard sides of stories where the friendships were heading for the permanent dead way, and I feel so useless and helpless about it. I want to be strong for my friends there, especially a guy close friend and a girl close friend there, but it's so difficult.
This guy now has sleep deprivation, and he got dry heaving. I'm honestly more worried for him than my own health and well-being. I know i promised that i would always be there for him. But i can't be there for him side-by-side 24/7.
It got to the point where suicidal thoughts actually came back to my mind again. It was never gone from my head. I'm trying my best to not do any stupid things and to look for something positive each day. But as days pass, it is getting more difficult to handle. No one is ever happy as before now, no more laughing and chilling together, no more thinking of the funniest impressions of each other, everything just died out.
I'm writing here because you guys actually got the right to know what's happening in my life for now. I don't want to gather any sympathy by writing this here, or some other backlash for me trying to be an attention-seeker. I'm writing here because those people who rp with me, i'm really sorry for the heartless and short replies (aka ty replies) because i'm still trying to grasp the situation in real life, and i don't really want to give you guys late replies too. I'm mentally challenged right now at this period in time, so everyone, please understand.
I'm sorry and thank you for reading this.
- J
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