my turn to talk

to my lovely family,

before anything else, i love you guys..so much! i never talked, i am your shock absorber. y'all never really hear anything from me, but now i am to talk- and y'all shut it okay? i just want to be real this time.

remember when i was three years old, that time you told me that i looked cute in that pink hello kitty dress on a sunday? i turned to you dad, with that big smile—honestly, i felt so pretty(and goddamn i loved hello kitty), but then you told me to wear something else, you said something about my dress but i couldnt remember what it was, i went back to my room and came out wearing a red polo shirt with knee-length khaki shorts and timberland boots. mom said i looked like a boy, dad said i looked awesome. i rocked it at church with that look.

remember that time we went out of town, i wanted to wear that pink hello kitty dress, but you guys didn't allow me to, because you said it didn't fit, so mom gave me that blue striped muscle shirt and black shorts together with a red converse chuck taylor. auntie said i looked more masculine than her son. my cousin told me i look like the blue power ranger... i love power ranger, so i shrugged and happily walked away.

remember that time you saw a love letter in my school uniform? it was from a secret admirer, i told you mom, never tell dad— but you did, and soon enough the whole family knew. when do you ever keep secrets? turns out you told everyone he was my boyfriend, and since then every single day of my elementary years consisted of you all teasing me about him. i wore that pink hello kitty shirt and a short for my first day of 5th grade. my brother told me i looked like a . i hated him. i talked back, my brother got pissed, he slammed me to the bed and hit me multiple times. you should never talk back, he said. and i learned, never talk back... even when you're wronged.

i stopped talking about my feelings since then. you never heard from me. i would only nod from every word you guys said, even if it hurt. even if i know you're wrong. because i'm scared. i would agree to anything you say, then you wonder why i'm always quiet.

i started to hate hello kitty, i still hate pink, i still hate how y'all treat me as if i'm a joke. 

dad, you asked me "when will you get a boyfriend?" i laughed then shrugged. my brother said that i'll never get a boyfriend. mom looked at me, i looked at my phone.

we saw a guy on tv, he danced so well, better than girl. brother's girlfriend called him "gay", you all laughed. i didnt.

my sister-in-law called her nephew gay for being too meticulous and crying if he wasn't clean. they laughed. i couldn't.

mom, remember how you and a neighbor talked about this girl who left to be with another girl? you both shook your head in disapproval and said that she was better off without the lesbian she ran off to. how do you know she's not happy?

dad, you laughed at my baby cousin because he listened to gossips, you called him gay. so what if he does turn out to be one?

over dinner, we discussed how manny pacquiao said that gay people are worse than animals. was i the only one who stood up for the gay people? you all said that jesus burned a gay person in front of many people. that it is a sin to be one, they will not be in heaven.

i guess i wont be too huh?

mom, dad... i'm gay. i like boys, but i also like girls. tell me, will you laugh at me? will you tell me that i'll burn too? will you give me a hug? will you still call me your baby girl? i did not choose this, a person cannot deny their feelings and who they really are. i am not changing just to be with you guys in "heaven", but know that i will always love you guys no matter what. 

have fun in heaven... i'll just hang out with satan. 

—combustingcolours a.k.a baby girl