Short Hair Girls=Gay Apparently

I am so fed up with my aunt. I love her, she's great, but she gets me so freaking heated with the things she says. Mainly about gender and uality.

I first noticed it when I was about 11. I remember her and my other aunt who was pregnant talking about their hopes and aspirations for the baby. And I distinctly remember her saying that she hopes the baby wouldn't be gay like my mom. I remember being confused and hurt not only because I had been chastised and sent away prior to that, but because I didn't understand why that was a bad thing. Why when they were saying things like "I hope she doesn't come out sick/unwell, have a bad personality, etc" why gay was something wrong enough to include in that.

And now years later it seems she wants to get in on me. For the past month I've been working basically as a live in nanny for her kid. And nearly every day she has to remark about the way I present myself and not so subtly lectures about how women should look as a whole.

"Women should be soft and feminine//Women should have long hair//Why do black women like to wear their hair short?" I have short hair.

"Women should wear pretty dresses and skirts." My daily wardrobe is jeans and shirts.

"Men are visual creatures they want their women to be soft and pretty//How are you going to attract a husband?//You need to be thin and pretty to get the attention of those Asian boys you like.//" I'm a ing college freshman, I'm not interested in finding a husband and I am more interested in getting my GPA high enough to transfer with a scholarship?? (Which somehow gets an eye roll in response??¿??) Also you're ignoring me for the millionth time when I say I'm not exclusively into Asian men.

"Do other cultures women wear their hair short? They're ing gay then//Oh I'm not calling YOU gay though." Even though you're basically equating non super feminine women and women who wear short hair and jeans with being gay? Oh okay.

"We (black women) are soft and feminine and know our place with our men." ????? Quel place?¿??

"They're confused about their uality (about non feminine women and feminine/non super masculine men)."

The thing is, I am very feminine. I love fashion and beauty and just soft feminine styles. Hell, my U/N for a while was FemmeGender because no matter what gender I identify as, my gender expression is soft and feminine, probably more so when I identify as male if I'm being honest. But thanks to my abhorrently low self-esteem and depression and whatnot, I don't put much effort into my looks. Because, every day, a constant loop of "why the would anyone want to see you in that cutesy pastel dress? What's the point when A. You're ugly as , and B. No one will be attracted or interested in you anyways? That's just wasted effort." Yes I know this is a self destructive loop. Yes it still plays in my head anyways.

"Oh but I tell you you're pretty every day!"

Mm. Barring the fact that it's usually tied to some lecture about my appearance, what about me appears to have enough self confidence to believe that ? The withdrawn loser who's always on the computer and frequently states that they dislike being around people? The person who's awkwardly between extrovert, introvert, and misanthrope, and who feels like crying when they're around too many people? Oh yeah no, you telling me my legs are too pretty to be wearing jeans and my face is too pretty to not be wearing fake eyelashes and eyeliner really helps build the ol' esteem up.

And the thing that pisses me off the most is if I say " A women doesn't need long hair to be feminine or pretty, it doesn't make her masculine or gay." I get told "talk to me again in 10 years when you're more mature." What? Telling you that the way someone dresses doesn't negate their gender or uality is being immature? K.

I'm literally so upset right now I'm barely stopping myself from crying in the dark. I'm pissed off and hurt. Because not only does she assume that because of the way I dress, I must be disinterested in being a woman, but defending it and other people gets laughed at and disregarded. When I talk about anything else, you take my opinion seriously, but with gender and uality your words are fact and I'm just "being immature". Huh. Good to know.