Trigger warnings viewers discretion advised

So comes a time where I sit down and think how my life used to be before.. I feel the tightness in my chest the ache in my heart the prickling feeling behind my eyes when I feel as if I'm about to cry.

i miss who I used to be, but only because I feel as if I was someone else, this being because I was much happier, my life warmer, I in these moments think what if I had been there sooner.. What if I had noticed the signs... What if I had been wiser to see...

confusion might be evident while reading this because I have not come to my point, my mother ended her life before her time, I found her, she had hung her self.. I mean I always think what if I had stayed home that day, what if I noticed everything but before I knew it my world the one I knew lipped from my fingers.

to this day I can never understand why she did it, she seems so happy, always doing her best to achieve things, my grandmother said it was because her mind grew tired, her soul needed to rest and the universe convinced her to. But to this day I still crave for the way she helped me.

my mother has a magical way to make things seem alright, she'd pull me in a tight hug, we'd share conversations over tea, laugh about silly things... Now I lay awake, sleepless nights one too often.. My body cries out for my mother to tell me things will be okay, even still six years down the track.

i want to hear her laugh.. see her smile hear her voice, say things a child would to their mother.. I want to see what she looks like again, have her soothing aura around me once more. I miss her so much this month is the hardest as she was born in it and also passed away.

i wish I had more time with her, more time to show her the things I have now learned... I used to run and own her store, it was all I ever did, I'd work myself to the ground and then have a day of rest and do it all over again but now my husband (yeah I'm married) works the store and it seems that he thrives from that environment and I now bake cakes for a living, 

a lot of good things have happened in the time but I just wished I could share them with her, see her beaming face for her to give me away at my wedding, I just find I'm struggling with this month slipping under the pressure 

I want to tell her things but how can I when she is no longer here. I want to contact her tell her I love her but instead I look up to the sky be it the stars moon or sun and whisper hoping she'd get my message.. I hope she's watching over me and out for me... But one can never be so sure.. I hope she's happy wherever she is and that she can see I still love her.. 

I will always wonder why she left like she did and those questions will never have answers, the universe chose her to go when she chose it, I just wish I could have prevented it, I wish I could have seen the struggle to which I would have reached out for..

im sorry for being silly... I just these are my thoughts my mind unraveling into words.. Ugh I'm being dumb...