The Thoughts Keeping Me Awake Tonight

This year has been nothing but an uphill battle. There has been tons of ic drama that I found heartbreaking and idiotic all at once, I've been blacklisted from an rp or two, I've pissed of many people on this cancer of a site, and I've seen people who don't know me or pretend to be my friend talk about me behind my back. But that isn't what I'm here to talk about. Because if you hide behind a screen to come at me you're a coward and I literally don't with you at all. You're as fake as Kim Kardashian and her , and I don't ever want to hear from you again. Point blank. Now onto the more relevant parts of my meltdown because most of you. 

My ooc best friend and I don't really fight. In the years that I've known her, we haven't really had that many issues my that in find unsolvable. However, this year, multiple came up. You see, I normally adore her and dote on her and everything she does. It pains me to say this but I just can't find any reason for that anymore. She doesn't act like she cares, so I stop talking to her. When that happens, she gets mad at me, and I talk to her even less and modify my inner circle. She normally apologizes, but here's my problem. When you apologize, there should be a change, right? You can't just blanket apology, not change, and expect me to be okay. It's annoying and something has to change or I'm not taking it any more. Stressful because she's who I thought was my only real friend but drama follows her everywhere.

Next thing, I have an inner circle here on rpr. We have a few group chats on kkt, and every time we join an rp together, it always blows up. Now, I've noticed that I don't feel that I have anything in common with them, or anything to talk about, or a reason for being there. It seems that the subject matter is always something I have no way of relating to it at all. That or talking about a particular rp that disgusts me to the core. Hearing anything about it makes me severely unhappy, and yet it always seems to come back up. So I leave those group chats often. Feeling useless or as an outcast isn't comfortable for me and I won't seem stay around strictly for the purpose of 'friendship'

Remember that feud? The one that caused many to hate that one rper over that didn't matter, which I think was really about crappy communication skills? Well yeah, that. It was awkward awkward caused me to leave an rp that I used to love so much. I stopped towards the end because everything was changing too quickly without anyone being notified until well after the changes had already been made. No shade to the admins at all. Really. But I'm just a firm believer in letting the rpers have a large part in rp changes because it affects them the most. But I digress. One of the admins I felt didn't like me much. No basis at all. Probably because I was friends with someone they didn't like. But guess what? I had no real problems or reason to dislike you until you came for me without me being present. If I'm on hiatus, I'm on hiatus. If I'm rping with someone AS A GOODBYE  PLOT, because I already knew I was leaving, and everyone else saw it coming but you, doesn't make me irrational, wrong, or thirsty. It just makes me non compliant to whatever it was you wanted me to do. And you didn't want to pull me aside to talk, so fine. Make me the . Just stay away from me, and if I'm in an rp don't even bother joining. So there's another one.

Here's the newest thing about me ooc. I was exposed for the third. ing. Time. Let's just say I was a bit of a a couple years ago. I got into the wrong crowd and when I stopped talking to them and broke up with my ex, I was put all over social media. Do you know how badly that ed with my head? It happened twice in two weeks last year, and it came up again so I suppose no one will let me forget it. I'm an easy target I'll admit. And I'm sure I deserve it. So yeah. For andll of you who want to judge me, go for it. Call me a , a , disgusting, anything you like. I'll take it all. I had no idea about it at all when it happened the any of the times it happened. I've lost friends, credibility, respect from people closest to me. I'm just very tired. I made a mistake once, by doing what someone I thought I loved and would do about anything for told me to do, and this is what happens.

There's so much more just racing around in my head. So I thought I'd share a few. I still can't sleep, but I hoped this would help things get better for me. It wont. But that's okay, tears alcohol and pills are the only thing to help now.

~Chrys.