the yerim monologue.
was yerim truly the psycho everyone labelled her? even when from the tender age of three, made to believe that she would never amount to anything unless she succeeded her father’s legacy? she was constantly compared to other children regardless of age or gender. just because she was the daughter of the esteemed captain, kim joongi, from the moment she stepped onto training grounds, it was a free for all to judge and criticise. when she finally earned her freedom through a lifetime of servitude to the crown, all eyes were on her once more. would she prove herself worthy of her rank? or was she simply a product of nepotism, an impressive exterior but delicate inside? she strived to work the hardest and push all her limits but no matter how hard she tries, she wasn’t the best. she had to be. what would her family think of her if she wasn’t?
at 21, she fell in love with a man who saw her nothing more than a shiny object with no value. to him, she was simply a rich girl who knew nothing of the world and therefore did not deserve the world. with each fight, each argument, his sweet lies and even sweeter pleasure, he stripped her of the last of her self-worth. he made her believe she couldn’t do better. when she gave him all that she could, he called it whorish and threw her love back into her face. she was devastated when she lost him, how couldn’t she be when he was her whole world? she was ready to sacrifice her honour and her family if it meant making him happy but their entire relationship was nothing more than an elaborate joke on his part to shame a rich girl who didn’t know any better.
yes, she stabbed him.
five months of thinking, if she just tried a little harder, if she could please him better, maybe, he wouldn’t be ashamed to introduce her to his friends and family, maybe, they could meet at places with people that weren’t just them. maybe, he would be less ashamed of her. then all of a sudden, everyone’s fingers started pointing towards her because how dare she, a woman trained in combat hurt a man, unarmed, for breaking her heart. how dare she soil the family name with such a scandal? how could she cause damage upon silla’s reputation? before people knew her story, she was the villain. the psycho ex. the stabber.
no one seemed to trust her anymore and she couldn’t blame them, she couldn’t blame anyone but her own rash mistakes. but she never cowered away from responsibility, she never made a fuss when anyone brought up the incident, no matter how much of a torment it gave her. she tried to make light of it; perhaps joking about it will help lessen the trauma she gained from that fateful night. but when she lies in bed, she can’t fall sleep until she’s smoked a blunt and the cannabis pulls her into a dreamless slumber. she’s not addicted to that stuff, she just really needs to escape the nightmares.
the first time she let a boy break her heart, it was ignorance, if she let’s it happen a second time? it’ll be stupidity. so yerim is careful this time around. she doesn’t open up to men so easily now. seo youngho was just a friend. when they first met, she never thought she’d see him again. then came his first message, inviting her to spend time with his son and she does. anything to take her mind to a happier place. it was easy to become his friend. he knew nothing about her or her family and for the first time, she could be herself. simply kim yerim without her family reputation, without her status, without any prior judgement of who she is and what she did. that was what he was until he let her into his life and gave her a picturesque view of the perfect family. first it was his hands, then his lips, and then yerim dares herself to believe that she could actually be loved and accepted for who she is.
if someone told yerim on the day she met youngho at the university, she’d end up in his bed with his name spilling from her lips as desperate moans, she’d never believe them. but there she was, succumbing to his needs. but he never had the intention of fulfilling hers. all she wanted all her life was to be told she was worthy of love, she was precious to someone. anyone! yet his love was not hers to claim. it was too late for yerim, she had already gave her heart away. she was banished from his life as quickly and as easily as she was welcomed when her past finally caught up to her. she couldn't be mad at him no matter how much she wanted to hate him for judging her based on her mistakes when she had given him nothing but all the good she had. yerim knew that she could never deserve someone like youngho. those precious memories they shared, she held them close, choosing to remember only the happiness they shared.
he was the sunflower shining brightly in the sun and she was the weed that grew around him, unwelcome and waiting to be weeded out.
yerim is tired, she doesn’t have anything to fight for anymore but she wakes up anyway to try better another day because it’s all she knows to do. try, try, and try again.
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