^{_{kang sihyun deals with themes surrounding:}} 

^{_{suicide, depression, abuse, parental death, self harm, and other heavy topics.}} 

^{_{admin is 23 and uses he/him pronouns.}}

^{_{do not interact if you are not my wife hao <3}} 

^{_{four years ago was supposed to be the end.}} 

^{_{sihyun had planned it all perfectly: a note stuck to siwoo's door, apartment tidied up so he wouldn't be angry long after sihyun had departed his earthly body, phone switched off, his favourite meal on the edge of an empty building just out of city limits. a sunset so beautiful he felt like he could cry, scars dug deep into porcelain skin as a forever reminder of what he'd wanted for years. a forever reminder that the cold embrace of death was far more comforting than the warm embrace of his brother.}} 

^{_{he still remembers the way he felt sitting on that edge. the weightlessness of knowing he wouldn't have to worry anymore - of knowing that siwoo couldn't get to him here, that he'd be safe for the first time in years. endless possibilities: he would learn how to fly, would learn how to paint, would learn how to love himself and how to forgive himself for something that was never his fault. this building was supposed to be his saviour - his angel and his coffin all in one, the one thing that would see him to the end and bid him farewell with its cold, concrete hands. remembers the emptiness he felt in his chest when he thought about jumping; how little he cared to continue living as a husk of himself, just barely able to keep going day to day. and he wants to weep for all the things he'd done to himself: for every self-inflicted scar, for every meal skipped, for every bruise pushed on, for every busted knuckle and every bloody nose and every broken bone. wants to weep for blaming himself for their deaths - for convincing himself that it was all his fault that they died that day.}} 

^{_{but he can't - can't find it within himself to sob the way he did four years ago when that black cat rubbed against his ankle, nor when the gravity of the situation sunk in that night. instead, he stares down, down, down, at the splash of concrete that would have been his final resting place and feels sick to his stomach. finds that he wants to throw up at the thought of ever stepping off of that eleven-story edge and sentencing himself to an eternity of darkness without ever living long enough to find out if things would get better.}} 

^{_{he'd slipped away from home tonight. left a note telling him that he was okay - that his phone was off because he needed to process some feelings but that he would be back by dawn if he wasn't already by the time he read this note. told home that he loved him and that he was coming back - that he would always come back for him. that he would never leave without a goodbye kiss. but he finds that the stars look dimmer away from home - that the moon looks less full and the trees wilt and the flowers wither away and he knows that he was never meant for this - never meant for a life away from home.}} 

^{_{home comes in the form of bae jihyun. bright in all the ways kang sihyun is not, beautiful in all the ways nobody else ever could be, home in all the ways home had never been: bae jihyun is kang sihyun's universe - is his stars and his moons and his planets and his galaxies and his suns all wrapped up into one cosmic latte coloured blanket. he is roses and peonies and daisies and lavender, a garden built of nothing but love in spite of daeseong's thorns.}} 

^{_{the world is kinder when jihyun smiles: the flowers bloom, the trees come alive, the bluebirds sing, the butterflies and the bees bustle about. sihyun has always thought this - thought that jihyun is the source of all the good in the world. even before he'd been able to properly speak to him, he thought that jihyun was everything. liked the way he smiled at him when they crossed paths at work; felt his heart burst when jihyun said his name for the first time. love at first sight, he would say if he could, i always knew it was you.}} 

^{_{he looks at the gold band that adorns his ring finger and smiles, really smiles, because he knows that things are okay. he will get to go home today and kiss him on the lips and hold him close and feel his heartbeat thrum against his own. he will get to go home today and tell him he loves him more than anything else and that he will never leave his side as long as their souls should live. he will get to go home today and fall asleep in his arms and wake up knowing he is safe - safe from siwoo, safe from himself, and safe from the ache in his heart.}} 

^{_{and he will finally feel happy. perhaps unable to close a chapter in the story of his life for another year - the ache is still raw, the wound still healing - but he will feel happy. he will know that he has made it out of the fog and into the clear - that he has pulled himself out of the quicksand and all he has lost within it is the ghost of who he once was. he will feed socks and he will run his fingers down the notches in her spine and understand what it means to be alive. he will kiss jihyun and ask him to elope with him and he will know what love feels like.}} 

^{_{he will live to see another day, another year, another lifetime in spite of the thorns that once suffocated his lungs, and he will be proud of himself for doing so. he will celebrate his birthday and he won't feel shameful for living when they died. he will find himself in puddles, in the diner's windows, in bae jihyun's eyes, and he will remember that to live is to ache, but that ache is what makes it worth it.}} 

^{_{tonight, he will go home and he will kiss him and tell him he loves him, and home will kiss him right back and tell him that he knows.}} 

^{_{for the first time in four years, kang sihyun knows that he will be okay.}}