Dear SAY family, 

okay so first of all dafuq is stich doing in my personal message like pls i am not THAT short ok

also I'm going to be gone for a month. Maybe I'll come back early. Maybe I'll deactivate. Maybe I'll just come back at the end of the month and everything will be fine. It depends on whether I figure out how to feel okay again.

I don't think I really wanted to admit it to myself, but I've been depressed for a while. Last year I didn't really know what to do with the emotions- they were overwhelming, so I shelved them away and pretended they didn't exist. This year everything just came tumbling down way too fast, and I'm terrified. I'm terrified because lately everything has been triggering. I'm terrified because I can't walk to my classes without seeing death on the street, or the railing of a walkway, or in the rush of water down a sink. I'm terrified because two nights ago I sat near the ugly- lake next to my apartment for three hours and cried, and I couldn't tell what I was more upset about- the fact that I was even thinking about this, or the fact that I was too much of a coward to jump. 

Maybe I'm beng melodramatic. Maybe. The daytime makes things easier- I can walk around, pretend things are fine. I can put on a good face. I can smile. But then also maybe not, because when night comes the smiles go away and the jokes don't come anymore and I've neer been bled dry of laughter like this, and I don't know what to do with these emotions because some days they're too strong even for tears.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, things are not ideal. 

But I love you guys. Alot. I love V, who is my other half. I love Bambam, who completes me in a way I've never known, who has been there for me on dark days and danced with me during light ones, and who deserves more than i could ever give. I love my grandchildren- shannon, dohee, nahyun- who make me laugh and my heart swell. i love NahyunDAI HYUNG bc she's perfection. I love Mino because he gets me and my jokes and i am lowkey his side hoe for life (wendy love me pls). I love Mark because he's also been there for me and is just so kind and I don't really know what i'd do without him. I love Seulgi because she's hilarious, Sehun because he is ridiculous in the best way, Sooyoung because she's delightful, Sunmi who literally gives me cavities, Woozi because he's the cutest, Yibo even though he SUKS and so many other people whose names are slipping from my brain right now: Hyuna, Minseok, HAWKyeon, Naeun, Mina, Hani, Niel- and so many more of you than I can put names to.Thank you all for being a home away from home and the family i didn't know i needed. To those of you who I haven't met yet, I regret not meeting you during this month. But maybe soon. hopefully soon. 

I'll miss you all alot. I'll miss you more than I can say. 

But I'll be back. 

-ljoe (aka jesus aka littlegardengnome aka lyoe)