⠀↬ monologue.

Arriving back at his cabin, it was almost instant at how fast he broke down as soon as his door shut and hid him from the rest of the outside world. Falling to his knees, he clenched his fists as the tears streamed down his face and his body shook in sobs.

It felt like a little over an hour passed when he finally seemed dry of any tears left in his body, at least for now. Standing up, he felt weak and dizzy, he had not only exhaled all energy just now, but it was his first rut in months. He glanced around his room and found his phone that he had left here in the days he had gone, at first was supposed to just be a quick run to grab the suppressants that wooyoung had took from him, and somehow managed to turn into one big mistake.

Disconnecting the phone from the charger he saw all the missed calls and messages from Sejun, and it felt like Sam’s heart was trying to crawl out of his throat. And that… was the second mistake San made. To him anyway…

You see, neither wooyoung or sejun had been the mistake. The mistake was him. He lied and told Sejun there was nothing between them, when San couldn’t hide that we was in love, and yet somehow, his heart also wanted Sejun. He wanted to have the life he could have had with him, but he was afraid that was no longer an option.

That day, San took an unnecessary amount of showers. Eight of them in fact. He wanted to somehow wash away all the memories on his skin, and start fresh. But no matter how many times he got out of the shower, he still felt disgusting. Like the one type of person who he hated and didn’t want to become.

Finally, after sometime, San set on his bed. This had to be it for him, he couldn’t allow himself to hurt anyone else or let anyone be in this position that he had drawn the two in. He began packing his bags, a small and what should be an easy task to do that somehow begin to break him further. It would be his final night here at the camp before he would say his last goodbyes.

Waking up in the morning had pulled a smile on San’s face. He had been completely enveloped in Wooyoung’s scent and some of his own, and for a moment San had still forgotten the rest of the world outside of this cabin room. Pressing closer to wooyoung’s back, and spooning him for a moment, San allowed himself this moment of tranquility. Placing a small peck on the others back, between his shoulder blades.

He wasn’t sure what it was, that set him off, maybe his brain fully waking up, or the sound of life outside the cabin, when everything hit San all at once, like a train. And this feeling, had been much different than the ones he felt the night before, it was a mix of the ugliest feelings. Festering in the pit of his stomach. Carefully pulling away from the other, and sitting up on the edge of the bed, San let out a sigh. His eyes grazing over Wooyoung’s frame, and the way he looked so at peace and relaxed. San knew what he was about to do would hurt the other, hell, it would even tear himself apart. But in his head there was no other way, he looked down at his knee where the tattoo lay, and kneaded the skin there for some sort of comfort as he choked out a sob. This was it for them, wasn’t it?

Of course, one could argue, stay, choose your best friend over someone you’re just getting to know, but he knew he couldn’t do that. When he looked at Wooyoung, even now, all the greed, jealousy and possessiveness had started to boil in his veins, and in the back of his mind he couldn’t stop the nagging voice of “I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough..” and San knew, he /just/ knew that if he stayed here, their relationship would forever be ruined by the poison in his own mind.

He turned to look at Wooyoung one last time, the tears silently running down his face. He tilted down to press a soft kiss on the others hair, stilling for a moment, basking in his scent while he could, and whispering a small “I love you.” Before pulling away to get dressed, sneaking out the cabin to make his way to his, where he could let himself fully fall apart.