・ diary

thurs
13 . 02

i miss my wife.

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• • • ㅤㅤ ᴅᴀᴛᴇ: ㅤ 2025 ╱ 02 ╱ 10.
• • • ㅤㅤ ᴇɴᴛʀʏ ᴛɪᴛʟᴇ: ㅤ Unsorted Thoughts.

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ㅤㅤㅤㅤI know this is kind of a heavy way to start this, but some days I wonder what I'd be like if I were legitimately loved. Not just by some person who I'm in love with or whatever fantasy people often think about, but in a general sense where I could go around and not have to worry about other's motives and perceptions of me. In a way where I could walk without the weight of burdens, thoughts, beliefs, and loneliness wouldn't drag me down and make it hard to make any moves... Sometimes, i think it would be nice to have a friend to spend more time with that I feel safe enough around. Or just someone who wouldn't eventually betray me. I don't know... I just know I need a way to curb this before I give in to my more negative urges.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤ...Maybe I'll ̶b̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ check on Zed. Or Ahri. Or both of them.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤActually... I might just take a nap.

　 　
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sᴜɴᴅᴀʏ, ғᴇʙʀᴜᴀʀʏ 9, 8:30 ᴀᴍ.

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so my therapist said i should start keeping a journal but i don't even know what to talk about in here. uh. i went for a morning run, came home, showered, had breakfast, and played a few games of valorant. i demoted to ascendant 2. as of now, i hate my life.


sᴜɴᴅᴀʏ, ғᴇʙʀᴜᴀʀʏ 9, 9:30 ᴀᴍ.

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am i supposed to be writing every hour? idk. but i got promoted back to ascendant 3 after three games. i'm thinking about what i should eat for lunch but idk yet. wait, am i allowed to use text abbreviations in my journal? or should this be written in a professional tone? academic? i don't have to use ing mla format, do i. going to kms if i have to.


sᴜɴᴅᴀʏ, ғᴇʙʀᴜᴀʀʏ 9, 9:40 ᴀᴍ.

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okay, the internet said it just needs to be colloquial. this should be easy. i'm about to play a few more comp games on valorant. and then maybe some marvel rivals. maybe i can ask the boys if they want to play games with me. or go out! that would be fun. yes. ☺


sᴜɴᴅᴀʏ, ғᴇʙʀᴜᴀʀʏ 9, 12:00 ᴘᴍ.

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i lost all my games. i'm going to kms. that's enough video games for today.

　 　
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sᴜɴᴅᴀʏ, ғᴇʙʀᴜᴀʀʏ 9, 10:00 ᴀᴍ.

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i'm bored and i miss kanroji. and shinazugawa. but they're busy. uzui said i should find more friends to occupy my time. but the people at this new place are strange. still trying to figure out if that guy uzui's size is a demon with those animal ears of his. . .

also, i saw the kitsune girl with a small box in her hand. she was talking to it and it was talking back to her. what the is that.

maybe she is a demon. that tall guy too. i will investigate today.

　 　
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sᴜɴᴅᴀʏ, ғᴇʙʀᴜᴀʀʏ 9, 5:26 ᴀᴍ.

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three. i feel ing incredible. the first and second weren't enough to satiate this thirst, but after the third, i swear i started to feel like myself again. this isn't healthy. i should feel terrible. but the taste on my tongue is so sweet...

have i been depriving myself this whole time?

i should go out again tonight. but for now, i should probably sleep. it's so early in the morning and i have brunch with a friend in a few hours.

　 　
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sᴀᴛᴜʀᴅᴀʏ, ғᴇʙʀᴜᴀʀʏ 8, 7:30 ᴀᴍ.

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it's been a few days since the new moon and i'm starting to feel normal again. gods, i should be used to this, but i swear it felt worse this time around. i need to feed more. i'll go out tonight.

　 　
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sᴀᴛᴜʀᴅᴀʏ, ᴅᴇᴄᴇᴍʙᴇʀ 14, 11:49 ᴘᴍ.

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so today's my birthday. this is the ?th year in a row that i almost forgot about it. akali texted me this time, asking if i wanted to get dinner with her. i almost said no, but she insisted. yasuo was there with her, too, and i haven't seen him in a while so i couldn't say no. dinner was nice, i think. it was just the three of us in a family-owned ramen shop. the food was delicious and the owners were sweet. they gave me free ice cream, too, which was a little too sweet but i ate it all anyway. they didn't sing happy birthday tonight which i'm grateful for. i hate that song, honestly. and it was enough, having the two of them there. just the two of them. which isn't much, but it's better than a big group of people, which i had last year. otherwise, i would have spent it alone. which is fine, too. i've had enough of celebrating my birthday, anyway. i've had too many birthdays. not like the day means anything, anymore. it just means i'm getting older. which isn't necessarily bad.

i just wish it meant something still. life has been so...

i don't even know. i'm just tired and bored. nothing's exciting anymore. but, eh. it is what it is, right? not like i can change that.

whatever. i'll get over it next week. or maybe tonight. i should hit the club. it's been a week since i fed, anyway. i should find someone with a sense of purpose. or maybe someone happy. or maybe not. i'll probably feel bad. maybe not. we'll see.