just a post. very disorganized. aha.
i can't even blame my flip flop personality on my zodiac, or maybe i can. i'm a stone cold , but also a very sensitive one that will never show it. ah the perks of being a contradicting jerk i love myself aha not, sometimes, i guess. whatever. i just, i feel like i'm constantly in a mental battle of, "do i act this way or another?" it doesn't just apply to being on rpr, but in my every day life too. i'm usually very loud and very out there, and i poke fun at myself a l o t. but when these days come that i just want to crumble it makes people worry and it makes me worry too. "should i just internally deal with it like i do and put on a mask because that's what everyone is used to seeing, or should i let this dam of emotions fall apart?". there's always two sides to a coin, but no one wants to see or deal with the ugly. everyone awes at the shiny side of a penny, but they'll turn away the rusty old ones. even behind this computer screen i don't easily break, because i hate feeling vulnerable about 98% of , even when I'm emotional and passionate like 894349429% of the time, i won't speak up. for the most part i don't like to believe in depression, because it's ugly and nobody wants to deal with that, but i'm a huge hippocrate and even though i'm probably on the world's worst 100 humans list, i still feel things and i get sad and i feel pain too, because again..... you zodiac for making me a highly emotional , just kidding i know my zodiac has nothing to do with it, well for the most part idk. i don't like to talk about my problems, because talking won't always solve ? even when i post this, if i don't do something for myself the situation will not change, they say actions speak louder than words. i told myself i'd take like a week break from here to deal with myself which i probably won't because...i could probably sit all day and solve calculus problems (and mind you, i have sat on my for 7 hours doing that for trigonometry) but i can't even solve the that matters more than math. because life is harder than getting a raw--- shoved up your , no i don't speak from personal experience but that's what tumblr always makes it sound like. i'm still just a teenager, sort of...i'm nineteen, technically still a teen and i have no idea what to make of my life. i'm just ?? okay let's do this if it works great if not oh well. i don't easily get mad and i let go of things (and people) easily if they don't matter or if it starts to affect me negatively, but there's always that one thing or two that i refuse to let go of, because again, i'm an emotional and i get scared of losing what's really important and what really matters. i can't complain much either, it's not like my life is in ruins and i have no will to go on, but idk maybe its because it's december and i'm a mess during this month because of personal things i won't disclose, though i believe i have mentioned this once in a blog i posted months back idek on what account but i did speak about it, and i'll probably never bring the subject up again because its painful. ew this got long and there's probably 4982489 typos. i'm sorry. i really do wish, i could've been a better person a day ago, a week ago, a month ago, and even years ago. i have no inspirational way to end this. so it'll end....right here.
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