I'd very much like it for my body to stop being sick. I'd like to be able to breathe properly. I'd like to feel happy. I'd like to wake up and think: Wow, I love my job and the people I work with. I'd like to excel in school easily. I'd like for my bosses to be more understanding. I'd like to not be so anxious 24/7. I'd like to have more money. I'd just like to be happy in the end. Because right now I'm so unbelievably depressed.
Yesterday my mom asked me: Have you ever thought about killing yourself?
and I said yes for the first time to her and she asked me, have I ever tried? and I said no, because I haven't. She asked me: how many times have you thought it? And I said: not really often. Like once or twice. And I sat there before her, wishing I could die right then. And I continue to sit and walk and sleep wishing I would slip off the face of the planet. It feels like a lonely place. I reach out out out and get nothing in return. I want to lean on my friends but I burden them so much. I can only absorb their happiness and hope it's infectious enough that I can smile and laugh with them and not fake it.
I'm not sayign this for comfort. I'm saying this because this website blogging space is one fo the only free places I have away from people that can pester me daily in real life about my feelings. It's a place I can leave my feelings and not worry about burdening anyone. At least, in my head it's that way.
I just want to listen to music as I sleep and then never wake up.
Molly smiles with the dawn.
Molly smiles and she radiates the glow around her halo
When she plays, Molly smiles
On a summer day, Molly smiles
A new day, Molly smiles
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