Internet is Back. [POSSIBLE Trigger Warning]

So, just a quick couple of things.

I am going to work on my replies today, or at least try to. I have quite a few that I need to get done from PM RPs to Character PMs, Character wall replies, roleplay replies... It may not be as many as I think it is but yeah.

So, the electricity/wiring has been fixed and the internet is back up and running smoothly so it'll be easier for me to get on. The only issue is that, of course, right when the internet comes back up, I've been doubting everything.

I wasn't going to say anything about Jonghyun and, to be quite honest, I was even stopping myself from doing so, but I do think that if I say at least a little something, it'll make me feel better. I won't be speaking directly about what happened with him or anything, so don't worry. I'm just going to talk about how I feel, that's all. The only reason I think I've become inclined to say something after all this time is because...I think it was two weeks ago, maybe less(?), where I read that post about his letter(?). I'm not entirely sure what it was but yeah. It just had me thinking that it's really amazing how someone can be surrounded by so many people and receive so much admiration and supposrt and still feel just as hurt and lonely as, well, someone like me. Now, when I was younger, considering I'm not all that old to begin with, I actually considered suicide a lot. No idea if me admitting any of this is going to help anything but, please, don't think I'm just saying stuff just to say stuff. That's why I don't usually talk about my feelings like this, or at least in the regard, because of, well, many reasons, to be honest, but anyway. I had a lot of thoughts like that and then, after reading what he had to say... I think that it honestly...triggered something inside me, for lack of better words. It may sound weird but I was starting to see why some people at least had considered killing themselves after hearing about him. Now, I don't know if Korean fans had found out about the whole note and all before international fans or if it even needed to be translated to begin with, but it just really got me thinking. And, I had a friend tell me that they wanted to die maybe like a week later? I just. I felt so many things and I just kept thinking that even if it seems selfish for someone to take their life without considering those that care about them, isn't it just as selfish for one to make it seem like they're so important and that their love and etc. is just so important that no one should ever feel like dying/killing themselves. To phrase is better, I'm referring to statements like:

"Well, what about me?"

"Have you thought about how this would affect me (your family, your friends, loved ones, etc.)?"

"Why would you do something like this to me? How is this fair to me?"

"After all I've done for you, you'd do something like this to me?"

"How could you be so selfish and not think about how I feel?"

Things like that. I just reminded myself that I actually had to friends that had apparently thought aboud suicide/dying. It was one the week right after Jonghyun and then another the week after that, if I'm not mistaken about the time. It may have been closer than that than I thought. It's just...the timing of everything because I was in the car listening to the radio one day and the host was talking about how it's not a person's responsibility to have to be there for everyone, to take on and listen to everyone else's troubles and forget about themselves. Things like that begin to weigh on a person and their thoughts and... I can't even remember where I was going with this... Oh! Besides clearly just getting this off my chest, even though that wasn't my intention, I'm also saying all of this to say that, after reading Jonghyun's note thing, I've just been questioning a lot of stuff in regards to myself and I think it's just that feeling of "Have I been doing well myself?" And when I say that, I don't mean like health-wise or anything. Just the things that I feel at least a little passionate about, such as my writing (rps, short stories, fanfics, lyrics, etc.), singing, baking/cooking, etc. There are so many things that I have interest in, and once had passion for, but, over the years, I've just felt more and more like everything I do absolutely . Like there's nothing more that I can do, like I can't get better. And by that I mean that there's room for improvement but, no matter how much I work at it, I'm not going to get any better than where I am because I don't have the skills. That's mostly why I haven't been doing my replies. I just feel like my writing is crap and I constantly have these thoughts that my life is just kind of, well, worthless. Like I'm not good for anything. One of my friends that apprently was thinking about suicide/dying told me that I saved him just by being myself. Even thinking about it now, it kind of makes me want to cry and I started reading the webcomic Lookism and I just felt flashbacks of being bullied from when I was younger and I keep thinking/wondering if I deserved it. I was considered mean and a bully to bullies back then because I would always protect my friends when they would be bullied, at least like in the sense of someone degrading their value or something like that but...I don't know. It's interesting how being on the victim end of bullying can affect people in different ways, like you either grow stronger to rise above it, you think about wanting to run or change it, or you accept it because it feels like you just deserve it. I know there are more options to handling it and all but when I was bullied when I was younger, there weren't really campaigns and stuff that made a big deal about bullying, at least not that I was aware of. People didn't care until people started losing their lives, either by bullies or by suicide. I'm glad that much more attention has been brought to it but it just wasn't something people, around me at least, really thought about.

I feel like getting all that off my chest didn't help anything... 

Anyway, one other thing. Reading Lookism has given me an idea for a RP. I don't know if it's been done yet or what, but I think it could be fun. I was just wondering like what if it was a girl instead of a boy as the main character of Lookism, or what if that person woke up as a celebrity instead of just another kid their age. If that makes sense. I wanted to do a roleplay where everyone that goes to like this academy or lives in this neighborhood or something have two bodies. Well, maybe not everyone but like maybe it's certain people born in a certain year or something? I don't know. I just thought that it would be interesting to see another character going through the same thing. Two characters that were/are bullied and one day wake up with a different body, unsure of how to explain it to someone else but they find out on accident somehow that there's someone else like them. Waking up in one body and then waking up in another every day. Two completely different lives with no explanation as to how or why and why them of all people. I just thought that would be interesting.

If you've read through all of this, I really do appreciate it. I don't know what else to say but thank you for reading this. <3