Fudgesicles to My Life

There is heat wave where I live, so it was really hot today. Uh, so when it turns to evening, the air outside it rather cool compared to the stuffy inside. Naturally we opened up the all windows in my house, uhm, but it didn't really cool down that much so in a desperate attempt to escape the heat, I was able to put a harness and leash on my cat and have the front door open for a little while.

[My cat is full-on indoor cat, and we never let her outside but during the summer when it gets hot she tries to escape to the cooler outside. My reason for keeping my cat inside 100% of the time is because throughout my life since I was just a toddler, all my cats have died... outside. So my first BLACK cat I kept inside all the time, and she has far surpassed the life expectancy in my home. She is about 7 yrs old, I believe, and I believe before her the longest cat I kept was not even 2 years old. If I remember correctly it didn't even live long past one year.]

Anyway, the point of this was largely because we left the door open, flies got in. Some of you know this some of you don't, but I afraid of flies and ants. I'm pretty scared of spiders too, but I believe spiders and ants are on the same level, meaning I'm afraid of them, I don't want them near me, and I will kill them if I have to but it takes a lot of courage. However, flies I am probably the most afraid of. And I got kinda angry today, at my mom for yelling at me for something I did not intend to do. When flies are near me, I unknowingly scrunch, up, my back and neck get lower and lower as if I'm hiding. I also tend to cover my ears. And IF they dare touch me, I try not to but .. I yelp or scream, like you know if you suddenly got startled by a something that jumped out at you or something. I've whimpered too when they won't leave me alone. So my mom was making me close the windows as it was time for bed, and we put a fan infront of the windows so I was going to move it and all of a sudden a crazy fly gets infront of or behind of the fan and it goes whirling/flying insanely and it crashed into my side, and I scream/yelp. And my mom, as usual, belittles me. I've stayed up all night long before because of a crazy/dying fly that was in my room, hours and hours. I just can't. I don't know why but they frighten me and I don't like them near me.

This goes on to me saying, now matter what I do whether it's unintentional, bad, or even GOOD, my mom will demean and belittle me. Just the other day it reached its peak again when I came back from my mini roadtrip. When we got home it was like pouring down rain, like really bad. My mom went inside quickly. Not long after so did I. But my brother and step dad were still in the car. And I rememberred my brother saying he had been hungry since it was a very long drive from where we had come and he had nothing to eat. So I went back outside to bring him inside, my stopped me and put one of her jackets on me, only the hood was on my head as I was going to use the rest to cover my brother from the rain. I opened the front door to the car as it was the closest door to the house. And told my brother to come yonder so we could go and inside and I'd personally make him something yummy to eat. My stepdad dragged him away from me and was like 'no he's gunna get sick and wet. it's raining.' So me and him were arguing, I kept telling him to give my brother and he was just being childish idiot that he is being all sulky because my mom had pointed out earlier in the car that my step dad was not paying enough money for his own child and if he continued to neglect she'd have to go to child services, anyway thats all normal fighting. Trust me. No one in my family gets remotely along, we don't really love each other deep down like most families do .-. But anyway, my mom comes out after awhile and starts yelling at me saying how I, yes I, was being stupid being out there so long in the rain. I counter with the fact that I'm trying to bring my brother inside the house and my stepdad won't hand him over when he's obviously dying of hunger. Didn't matter to her, of course. So she finally comes out into the rain, and continues cursing and yelling at me. And because I'm still on the inner part of the front door of the car. She's like 'move' and telling me to go inside. And I was moving, but no, instead she starts trying to close the door on me. If it wasn't for me pushing the door the back I wouldn't have gotten rammed into the car, or maybe as I tried to scoot out she could have slammed it on my arm or hand. I go inside and toss of her jacket and run into my room. Because there were many other incidents leading up to this, I started to cry. The only person who can ever make me cry other than myself and dramas, is my mom. I'm serious, even my friend of 10 years has, not once, ever seen me cry. I don't cry. But all my mom ever does is demean, me, her own daughter, and even when I'm trying to do a good deed of all things. I called Rochelle, but I kept hanging up after it rang a few times, not even giving her a chance to answer. I never have anyone to talk to... She called me back when I was nearly done weaping for like forty or more minutes straight... but my phone was dying so after letting it ring a little it died on me and I had lost my charger so there was nothing I could do. Of course while I was weeping silently, I could hear my mom talking trash about me. Ugh. Sometimes I think it would have been better if I lived with my dad instead, but my dad I loathe... so I'm not sure where the hell I should live. I try to understand and be considerite to my mom, but she never really returns the favor. She's like gimme gimme gimme. I know, I can be somewhat rude and childish, I am a teenager for gawdsakes, I have been complimented by my friends, teachers, and even strangers, and aquintances for my patience, understanding and open-mindedness, but yet my mom and my stepdad have to be the most childish, disrespectful, selfish people I know... I just can't take it from them. My mom says that I should respect her, I try to, but she doesn't give me anything to respcect. The fact that she gave birth to me? Please... yes, thank you, but honestly I don't think that mothers should rely solely on the fact that they gave birth to someone and give food and shelter.. it's not like we have any other choice but to stay by their side anyway. And some mothers, it's sad, but ever read 'A Child Called It' and other true stories. Love is not a given if you're a blood relative. We learn to love. I try to think I love my mom, but honestly most of them time, all I get is verbal abuse from her, while in my case I hardly ever insult her most of the time I just walk away or stay quiet. Because I know that if I start talking back, her verbal abuse only gets worse and it can turn physically violent -.-;

And I guess this is my way of saying sorry to Rochelle for the sudden weird phone calls and not answering her call the other day LOL ^^;