I'm going to make this quick. It's just something that's...kind of been making me uneasy lately.
I've grown up Christian. Yes, this is a religious rant. If you can call it a rant.
I honestly don't have many problems with my religion for the most part. I think when you grow up with a certain religion or like...certain ideals on religion, it causes you to look at it both more objectively and subjectively. If that even makes any sense.
For those that do or do not know, there's the whole ideal of heaven and hell and the rapture and the stories of the "left behind." My mom was watching this movie the other day and it was about these different people and their stories and how some were left behind and some weren't and yeah.
I got to thinking.
Wondering if I would be left behind or if I've actually done something right in my life to be called to heaven.
The thing that makes me really uneasy about getting too deep into my religion is the whole...I don't even know how to explain it. But it's just like...the whole "why is it okay for God to have killed people just because they didn't listen to him?" And I just kept thinking that it's like what parents do. You know, the whole "because I said so" thing that every kid just kind of groans at because it doesn't feel like an answer. It doesn't really explain anything.
Really thinking it over, I became aware that it's something parents do to help instill certain ideals and values and morals and etc. into their children, more often than not, to make them a better person. I'm aware that's not always the case because not all guardians really care that much but that's not what this is about.
It just makes me uncomfortable because I hear people say "God accepts everyone" but, sometimes, the same people will go "God doesn't accept homouality" and things like that and in my head it just feels contradictory. I think it's part of the reason why I'm uncomfortable reading the bible. Like why did animals have to die as "sacrifice" just to prove one's love? I'm a big animal lover and I legit forced myself to get through that book of the bible... Is it Exodus? It's been a minute. orz But the book about the tabernacle and all and I just felt so uncomfortable about all the talk of how x amount of animals had to be killed and how they had to be killed in order to cleanse and provide sacrifice and... I don't know where I'm going with this...
I said that it might be a trigger warning because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable and I don't want anyone to think that I'm bashing any religion, namely Christianity. I consider myself a Christian. I've been saved (multiple times as far as the confession goes), I was christened when I was a baby, and I was baptized near the end of last year. I pray and I just...
I feel like I'm about to cry writing this. Lol I just...I want to talk to my mom about it but I don't know if she's really okay with hearing me out about something like this and my uncle is a bishop and he's like a father to me but I just...I can't.
I just want to be a good person. I want everyone to feel loved and know love and not be afraid to be themselves because it's not right to shatter someone else for any reason. There is absolutely no good reason. If you don't agree with it. That's okay but why should someone have to hurt? Why?
One of my favorite phrases (I guess that's what it is) is "Humanity should be our race. Love should be our religion."
I want to believe that I won't be left behind. I just want to know though that being accepting and loving to everyone without prejudice is okay. I am not ashamed to say that I believe in God. I've told my mom that I believe in him because of what I've seen Him do for her. My mom is my Wonder Woman and an unbelievable symbol of strength in every way possible to me. But I just want to believe that my heart is good. I don't believe one can really be pure. As you get older, you just learn things about the world. But I want to know that I am just... I want to know that I have no reason to be scared or weary or uneasy or anxious.
Is it really wrong to just want to believe that, even if someone isn't perfect, that they're still loving and a good example and that they're not evil or full of demons? I don't even know how to word what I'm trying to say anymore. I just... if anyone reads this, I hope that it makes sense.
I just want world peace and love and joy and health. I hope and pray that for everyone.
Wow...I feel like crying...
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