And it hurts. I moped about it all night and all day on V-day. Love shouldn't hurt. Love is supposed to be warm and wonderful and joyous, but all I feel is the sickening jealousy and anxiety that she will change her mind at a moment's notice, and I'll be alone. I don't care about being alone. I care about loving the crap out of my best friend while we're both still breathing... but I just can't when she had the phone in her fac.e
I'm talking to her about it AGAIN, tomorrow... but my Gods, I should have only had to do it once. Now I feel like she will hate me, dread my company, want nothing to do with me, and my anxiety and OCD and depression will feed into that until I end up relapsing and harming myself. I know it. But maybe it won't end like that. Maybe when I talk to her she'll end up not texting anymore. And she'll be lonely. and Bored. and she'll blame me.
Anyway... super depressed, on my period, things just go from bad to worse... Sorry for rambling and venting here, but you're a good online friend to me and I just needed to get this out before I end up smashing my $150 bong. ;;
I hope you don't mind me rambling here for a moment...
I've been best friends with (we'll call her Rosa) for about six years. We bonded over death, uality, KPop, books, band and school. Since her mom is a teacher we would end up staying at the school until 2 or 3 in the morning, "doing homework" or actually watching KPop videos. We moved in together for college and went through some rough , but all while staying together. We are married now, as of five months ago and I am so happy. She loves me very much and I love her beyond words; we are still best friends and the proud parents of six animals.
My only problem is that she has been catfishing another of my ex-friends for FIVE years. I'm literally the reason she is talking to this person (we'll call her Sarah) in the first place and now I feel nothing but regret. I hate her. I want to turn back time so that I never met her. The thing is, Rosa keeps talking to her. Literally every moment of the day, her phone is vibrating, the little clicky sounds of her nails on the screen and her huge smile literally kills me. Sometimes while we're smoking or just sitting together, she is staring down at Sarah's conversation with "daichi" and smiling and when I ask her a question... she waits until she replies to Sarah, locks her phone, then usually asks "what?" Gods, it hurts. She has no other friends, so I feel bad to ask her to break contact, but I am "this" close to committing suicide over it.
I told her that if she wanted to be with Sarah, I would let her go in a moment. If she wanted to give up our entire future and all our plans, I was willing to let it happen (and later kill myself tbh), and told her that I would be happier if she was happier. And she said no. She said that she loves only me, that she would break it off with Sarah if she knew how, and that she would never do what we promised to do together, with her.
But she continues to talk to her. Every. Second. Of. The. ing. Day.
Comments
You must be logged in to comment.