Missing you

I miss you. 

And when I miss you, I get defensive. I try justifying "missing you" by distracting myself, but somehow nothing works. No talking works, no movies, no music. I just miss you. And I don't know what to do. I miss you so much, I take pictures of the cat without showing them to you because in my head, you don't miss me too. You don't miss me and that makes me miss you even more. It makes it harder and I get even more defensive. I get antsy and angry. Angry at you for making me like you so much I miss you after only 24 hours of us not doing what we always do. And then I get even angrier and I try being angry at you for different reasons. I try hating you so I don't have to feel like someone cut a part away from my life. I keep trying to work myself up to a point where I'm so filled with this anger that I can just let you go, just call you out on the bull I make myself think you're doing. But then I realize I can't. I can't do it because I would miss you even more. It would break my heart. So I grasp on to what ever you give me even though it feels hollow and fake to me by now. It feels as if you're pushing me away although I'm the one getting defensive and tight lipped. But I miss you and I can't explain why. I hate that you've managed to slip between my cracks and into my days as if you belong there because you don't. You don't because I don't want you to belong - because the moment I think you belong, I break myself up like an egg because I miss you. And I can't do that. I can't miss you because I can't even tell you I do. I get passive aggressive and hurt, without even wanting to. Because I'm disappointed. In you, in myself for feeling this way. In us, because we exist. Mom said missing someone means they're important to you. It's an important feeling. It makes you appreciate someone. This feeling doesn't. Mom, you lied. It makes me miserable and moody. Passive aggressive and angry. I miss you and I don't want to kiss you. I want to be angry and hate you, even if it's just for a minute so I can justify my behavior and the way I feel. And then there's this truth I don't want to acknowledge. I miss you because I need you and this hurts. Because I think you don't need me, don't miss me. Yet here I am, missing - talking to you, listening to you, making you laugh, making you want to hit me because I can't stop my stupid jokes and puns but you secretly love them. I think the worst part of it all is that I can't tell you. I can't tell you I miss and love you. I'm annoying enough as it is. And I can't be clingy, because it's pointless. I can't say it, can't be honest with you about the way I feel. You, there and me, here. I want to hate you but the truth is I can't. Not even a little, not even the tiniest little bit. Perhaps missing you will be the one emotion for me now, when I think about you. Missing and nothing else. And a part of me hopes, you might just be missing me too.