DEAR 2018
A recap of us
Spoken with a smile
We are floating in this weird space between the years right now. After Christmas, we all are in this very strange place that is neither the old year, nor the new one and I always like to sit down during these days and reminiscent about the things that happened. This is the first time I am making this public, tho. I want to share a journey with you all (especially the people who know me) to remind us all that a year can feel endless because of the hardships we face, but it will end and things will get better. And in the end we walk out of these things, stronger than we have ever been before. Remember: Your weakness, your tears, your laughter, the scars you carry way from the bad times - they all shape you. They all make you grow. I don't remember the start of this year, actually. I remember being in a dark place, a limbo between two jobs and not exactly knowing what I wanted. I remember thinking about moving again, about starting over (once again) and then decided to not do it. I didn't want to run away from my problems - no, I wanted to face them. In the end, looking back at this year, I signed myself up for a lot of disappointments (some bigger, some smaller) and a lot of broken trust, friendships and my own heart. Admitting to myself that I am relapsing, was hard. Admitting it to other people was even harder, but liberating. There is no use in pretending you're fine, when you're actually not. Swallowing your own feelings will not hurt others, only yourself. Be honest, but kind when you tell them they hurt you - even if you know they don't mean to actually do so. My first actual memory of 2018 that will carry on through a couple of years, is receiving bad news. Such bad news, they had me crying for days and I felt helpless, powerless and lonely during the time I had to cope with these news. Even though they didn't exactly affect my own life, they ended up doing just that. I was reminded of the fleetingness of life - and in the end of the fleetingness of all things we take for granted. The times after that were the darkest I probably ever had to go through in my entire time. 2018 still feels - even now that I'm sitting here, writing this blog post - lonely and like a big string of disappointments and my feelings getting hurt.
I don't want to say 2018 was bad, tho. I don't want to tell you all THANK GOD THIS YEAR IS OVER! IT WAS HORRIBLE! Not at all. Because 2018 brought me hundreds of good things too and all I had to do was believe in myself and give people chances. Some walked out of my life and they will stay out of my life, no matter if they try to get back in. I grew stronger with the loss and I will not let people use me and walk over me in 2019. That's what I learned this year. I do deserve respect. TELL THIS TO YOURSELF, NOW. I do deserve respect. I deserve to be happy, to laugh, to cry. And I deserve to be hurt and tell people I want them to treat me better. Not because I am needy or clingy, but because I value myself and my own mental health. I can allow myself to be angry at someone without feeling guilty and blaming myself for whatever happened. REPEAT THIS AS OFTEN AS YOU NEED TO. Every. Single. Day. 2018 was horrible for a lot of people. For the world. A lot of us are broken now, but we're all still here, right? Do we want to look back on 2018 and only see the bad things? I don't think so. So I will make a start. List in the comment section of this blog, what you're proud of achieving this year. Everything. Even if you only bought yourself that book you wanted, or that cute knitted sweater. Here is my list: I painted my walls and got a new closet. I filled said closet with all the things I WANT to wear. I got a new job. Reunited with a friend. I talk to my mother at least once a week. I was able to connect to my sister and help her through a dark time. My cat cuddles me every single morning until I have to get up. My brother made me an auntie. I figured out my mom's cooking is still better than mine, but I can at least imitate it good enough to not feel homesick. I did not give up.
So here is a list of people on rpr who made my life better, even if it was just a little. Even if they just made me smile ONCE in 2018, I hope they read this and know I love them.
@Angel: You make me smile every single time you text me. Your presence in my life, especially on rpr, makes everything a bit lighter, a little naughtier and I love it. I love every single time you make me suffer by sending me pictures of my bias (or your muses) and I whine about it. Thank you for letting me rant and cry and be angry this year. Thank you for telling me to keep going when I thought I couldn't. You're a gem and I hope you know that. You are so smart and talented and hardworking and I admire you for this. I admire how strong you are, how you power through your daily life and how absolutely CHARMING you are. You always tell me to stop being so understanding, but hey, with you I just can't. Because I am proud of you. Even if I stop telling you that I am, trust me, I still am.
@the Lady and the bird: You are, by far, the WEIRDEST person I have ever met in my entire life. And that is nothing negative. Quite the opposite. You give me whiplash, honestly. We don't talk much these days and I don't even want to go and ask why. I told you it's fine if you need to fall off the net and not speak and I'll stick to that. But you, too, made my life in 2018 brighter. You made me laugh until I was in tears (and nearly lost my license). You made me listen through vns worth nearly 30 minutes. We talked about such random things and yet nothing felt pointless. I admire you, really. But, babe, please remember what I told you: Putting yourself in a place where you feel as if everything is a chore, everything feels as if you HAVE to do it? That's not the way. Always to enjoy your life, love what you are creating. And start every day with the sentence: "I am amazing and I have people who believe in me." Because sometimes the world is a dark place and we forget that we actually DO have someone who always has our back, even if it's just to rant about something that annoys you. So stop being there for everybody and not allowing yourself to have someone, too.
@My baby bear: Thank you. That is all I can say right now because, seriously, you're so patient with me whenever I fall into that dark place again and I disappear and I don't talk for days, heck, even weeks. Thank you for loving me and my dorky character. Thank you for being who you are and being as sweet and gentle and cute - because that makes me believe in the people out there. YOU make me believe in the people out there because you're a good person. You might not think that yourself and you will DEFINITELY disagree with me, but I see the light in your heart. I see how precious you are and how funny you can be. You can say the silliest things and I will roll my eyes and groan, but that doesn't change the fact that you're amazing and I love you. From the bottom of my heart. I will forever be grateful for the username mistake my brain made back then. It got me you. I can't be embarrassed by that when it got me my baby bear, right?
@Blue eyed doll: First of all I want to tell you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the times I snapped at you because you caught me in the WRONG moment (you have a talent for that, you know?) and I'm sorry for asking for a reply and then LITERALLY dropping off the internet for MONTHS, myself. I'm sorry for all the times you had to ask me if everything is ok, if I am ok. You shouldn't have to do that. But thank you, at the same time. Thank you for two years with our babies and the funniest sub plots, the NSFW emails you sent me, the songs you shared with me. I never told you, but you and our pm rp was what got me through the first few weeks in China. You kept me smiling and your anger gave me strength when everything went down the drain over there. I am so grateful you went ahead and asked me to rp. Why? Well, the answer is pretty obvious, isn't it? You make me hold on to something I cherish and whenever I feel like it's not really worth it, I remember two years worth of replies and memories. And that keeps me going, sometimes. Thank you.
@The one who makes me go tsundere: You're an idiot, I'm an idiot. God, you frustrate me so much sometimes I wanna punch my phone. You and your puns, your seven messages in a row. But would I change a single thing? HELL no. I wouldn't change the way we met. I wouldn't change the frustration and the times we ended up not talking to each other at all. You are the wonder of my 2018. Not my Christmas wonder (that happened too, but we won't speak about that) because I don't actually believe in Christmas wonders. No, you were the thing that happened RIGHT when I needed it to happen and my life would feel horribly sad sometimes without you. I hope you never really noticed so I can be terribly cheesy now, but you were the muse of my year. You inspired me to write, to make playlists and moodboards. You made me laugh so hard this year, I was gasping for breath, crying. You gave me , rendered me speechless and you made me both giggle and blush (shame on you). You, love of my lasagna, are my wonder girl. My platonic (and sometimes not so platonic) wife. Reading through all the announcements in our kkt chat is like a roller coaster of randomness nobody will ever understand, but you do. Thank you for being who you are, with all your flaws and all your weirdness. Stay perfect. I love you.
I don't want to say 2018 was bad, tho. I don't want to tell you all THANK GOD THIS YEAR IS OVER! IT WAS HORRIBLE! Not at all. Because 2018 brought me hundreds of good things too and all I had to do was believe in myself and give people chances. Some walked out of my life and they will stay out of my life, no matter if they try to get back in. I grew stronger with the loss and I will not let people use me and walk over me in 2019. That's what I learned this year. I do deserve respect. TELL THIS TO YOURSELF, NOW. I do deserve respect. I deserve to be happy, to laugh, to cry. And I deserve to be hurt and tell people I want them to treat me better. Not because I am needy or clingy, but because I value myself and my own mental health. I can allow myself to be angry at someone without feeling guilty and blaming myself for whatever happened. REPEAT THIS AS OFTEN AS YOU NEED TO. Every. Single. Day. 2018 was horrible for a lot of people. For the world. A lot of us are broken now, but we're all still here, right? Do we want to look back on 2018 and only see the bad things? I don't think so. So I will make a start. List in the comment section of this blog, what you're proud of achieving this year. Everything. Even if you only bought yourself that book you wanted, or that cute knitted sweater. Here is my list: I painted my walls and got a new closet. I filled said closet with all the things I WANT to wear. I got a new job. Reunited with a friend. I talk to my mother at least once a week. I was able to connect to my sister and help her through a dark time. My cat cuddles me every single morning until I have to get up. My brother made me an auntie. I figured out my mom's cooking is still better than mine, but I can at least imitate it good enough to not feel homesick. I did not give up.
So here is a list of people on rpr who made my life better, even if it was just a little. Even if they just made me smile ONCE in 2018, I hope they read this and know I love them.
@Angel: You make me smile every single time you text me. Your presence in my life, especially on rpr, makes everything a bit lighter, a little naughtier and I love it. I love every single time you make me suffer by sending me pictures of my bias (or your muses) and I whine about it. Thank you for letting me rant and cry and be angry this year. Thank you for telling me to keep going when I thought I couldn't. You're a gem and I hope you know that. You are so smart and talented and hardworking and I admire you for this. I admire how strong you are, how you power through your daily life and how absolutely CHARMING you are. You always tell me to stop being so understanding, but hey, with you I just can't. Because I am proud of you. Even if I stop telling you that I am, trust me, I still am.
@the Lady and the bird: You are, by far, the WEIRDEST person I have ever met in my entire life. And that is nothing negative. Quite the opposite. You give me whiplash, honestly. We don't talk much these days and I don't even want to go and ask why. I told you it's fine if you need to fall off the net and not speak and I'll stick to that. But you, too, made my life in 2018 brighter. You made me laugh until I was in tears (and nearly lost my license). You made me listen through vns worth nearly 30 minutes. We talked about such random things and yet nothing felt pointless. I admire you, really. But, babe, please remember what I told you: Putting yourself in a place where you feel as if everything is a chore, everything feels as if you HAVE to do it? That's not the way. Always to enjoy your life, love what you are creating. And start every day with the sentence: "I am amazing and I have people who believe in me." Because sometimes the world is a dark place and we forget that we actually DO have someone who always has our back, even if it's just to rant about something that annoys you. So stop being there for everybody and not allowing yourself to have someone, too.
@My baby bear: Thank you. That is all I can say right now because, seriously, you're so patient with me whenever I fall into that dark place again and I disappear and I don't talk for days, heck, even weeks. Thank you for loving me and my dorky character. Thank you for being who you are and being as sweet and gentle and cute - because that makes me believe in the people out there. YOU make me believe in the people out there because you're a good person. You might not think that yourself and you will DEFINITELY disagree with me, but I see the light in your heart. I see how precious you are and how funny you can be. You can say the silliest things and I will roll my eyes and groan, but that doesn't change the fact that you're amazing and I love you. From the bottom of my heart. I will forever be grateful for the username mistake my brain made back then. It got me you. I can't be embarrassed by that when it got me my baby bear, right?
@Blue eyed doll: First of all I want to tell you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the times I snapped at you because you caught me in the WRONG moment (you have a talent for that, you know?) and I'm sorry for asking for a reply and then LITERALLY dropping off the internet for MONTHS, myself. I'm sorry for all the times you had to ask me if everything is ok, if I am ok. You shouldn't have to do that. But thank you, at the same time. Thank you for two years with our babies and the funniest sub plots, the NSFW emails you sent me, the songs you shared with me. I never told you, but you and our pm rp was what got me through the first few weeks in China. You kept me smiling and your anger gave me strength when everything went down the drain over there. I am so grateful you went ahead and asked me to rp. Why? Well, the answer is pretty obvious, isn't it? You make me hold on to something I cherish and whenever I feel like it's not really worth it, I remember two years worth of replies and memories. And that keeps me going, sometimes. Thank you.
@The one who makes me go tsundere: You're an idiot, I'm an idiot. God, you frustrate me so much sometimes I wanna punch my phone. You and your puns, your seven messages in a row. But would I change a single thing? HELL no. I wouldn't change the way we met. I wouldn't change the frustration and the times we ended up not talking to each other at all. You are the wonder of my 2018. Not my Christmas wonder (that happened too, but we won't speak about that) because I don't actually believe in Christmas wonders. No, you were the thing that happened RIGHT when I needed it to happen and my life would feel horribly sad sometimes without you. I hope you never really noticed so I can be terribly cheesy now, but you were the muse of my year. You inspired me to write, to make playlists and moodboards. You made me laugh so hard this year, I was gasping for breath, crying. You gave me , rendered me speechless and you made me both giggle and blush (shame on you). You, love of my lasagna, are my wonder girl. My platonic (and sometimes not so platonic) wife. Reading through all the announcements in our kkt chat is like a roller coaster of randomness nobody will ever understand, but you do. Thank you for being who you are, with all your flaws and all your weirdness. Stay perfect. I love you.
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