a message.

dear rpr,

this is a bit of a spontaneous move, however, i feel as though i needed to get this off my chest.

hi, you may know me as squishies, yanhen, zarathustra, zebulun, fondant, yeongdong, loonaticed, gallagher, etc.  i have had so many usernames that i cannot quite remember them all.

over the 5+ ?? years i have been on rpr, i have made so many friends, met so many people, had so much fun.  5?? years ago, i was a young girl with time on her hands, and not a care in the world.  i had time on my hands to spend hours refreshing and chatting with people.  i miss those times.

as i grew up, naturally i got busier.  last year was one of the most stressful years i have ever had.  i took on too much, far too much than what i could handle and my body could not handle it.  

this year though, it makes the last year pale in comparison.  i am not sure if anyone knows this, but i am applying to university this year.  i don't have the money to go.  my family is far from well off and we have to support my sister who lives away from home and goes to uni as well.  i never wanted to mention this or talk abou my problems like this, but at this point i don't know where to turn.  i have been working for the last 3 years saving up.  i have had a terrible semester, i have no time.  i sleep at 3am consistantly again like last year, i am always on the verge of crying.  i cried in front of my friends for the first time a couple of days ago because there was a boy bullying me and talking behind my back.  he still talks behind my back, he talks behind my friends backs as well.  i know there are so many people who gossip about me behind my back, but i tried to never let it bother me.  i had rpr and i thought i was okay. 

and when i say i am thankful to have met my friends, i really do mean it.

i have always considered myself active and a quick replyer in roleplays but, did you know how much time and effort it takes to stay on top of things consistantly ?  did you know my attention span is terrible, i am destroying my eyesight, but i still try my best?  even though it doesn't seem like it, i am trying.  it takes effort that i no longer have to reply or to do anything.

i get discouraged easily, i feel guilty when i am not doing my best.  i often run away from my problems at the slightest whisper of trouble.  i rather run until i kill myself than let someone else hurt me.  i am afraid of pain.  and it's ironic i say that because it is only now that i realize i am the one who hurts myself the most.

i run and run and run but you cant outrun your shadow.

they said that you have to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else.  i never loved myself, i didn't realize it until a short while ago.  i was always looking for faults within myself, i thought it was normal to feel this way about yourself.

i got off topic.

anyways, i am stressed because i desperately want acceptance to one program i applied for, but im scared i wont get it.  but at the same time im at peace with it, i am not an overly amazing person, i am terribly flawed.  i would understand if they didnt want me.  i dont want myself either.

i dont have the money to pay for it.  i dont have anything.

recently i think my friends excluded me from their group for our final project so now im stuck with a bunch of people who dont do anything.  i need these marks desperately for scholarships and to get a larger bursary.  but here i am stuck.  i cant do it.  i cant ing carry an 8 person project by myself.  im not even that smart myself.

"Do not tell everyone your story. You will only end up feeling more rejected. People cannot give you what you long for in your heart. The more you expect from people’s response to your experience of abandonment, the more you will feel exposed to ridicule."

- henri j.m. nouwen

i should listen to this advice more, but i dont care anymore.  i have nothing else to lose.  i think im already at rock bottom.

a couple of days ago, i got yelled at for sleeping too much, as in i take too many naps in the day.  i cried by myself.  i only am at peace when i sleep because i cant feel anything when i sleep and time passes by without me having to be awake for it.  i want to sleep so badly but i cant anymore.  im not sure what im capable of doing anymore.

i am incapable of love.  i dont know how to be a proper person.

what i do want to do is to thank those who have taken the time to get to know me.  who have reached out to me and listened to me.  who have lifted me up when i was undeserving, and appreciated me even though i wasnt worthy.  i want to thank those ive met and ive had a chance to get to now, i appreciate them immnsely,for using their time to talk to me.  

i know my returns to rpr were not welcomed.  i know there are people who wish i never existed.  dont worry, i understand that too.  i feel the same way.

ive noticed my memory is getting really bad.  i would like to write something to everyone ive ever known but, i cant remember what i did yesterday.  the last thing i ate.

instead i want to extend my hand out to them once more, for accepting me at my lowest and for using their time to talk to me.  i wont forget that.  i swear.

i cant love properly but i want to extend this heart of mine, the sincerest love i am capable of to everyone.  this world is lucky to have you in it, the beautiful unique you, so dont ever give up.

is this a goodbye to rpr?  im not sure yet.  i want to go but, i need to take responsibility for things before i can think about it.

i dont think i will be on as often anymore though.  it was hard before to try and come one once per day, even when i wanted to just go to sleep instead, when i wanted to bury myself and stay wrapped up.  it might take me weeks until i will come back and log in.

but i wont think about deactivating until ive wrapped up everything , until i dont leave any if ands or buts.  i want to wrap up everything for the last time, properly, with finality, so that i can finally lay rpr to rest.  it has to go to sleep, i no longer have the strength for it.

i meant everything i ever said.  i tried my best to tell the truth and to be truthful at all times.  its disappointing that i perhaps was not treated that way in my life but life is unfair, life isnt perfect.  the world continues spinning.

i mean it when i say im thankful for everything these last years.  the good times, the bad times, the times when i was bullied and started moving accounts every oopportunity i got so i could run away from them, the times i cried, and the times my heart fluttered, the times i smiled, the times i laughed, the times when my heart was touched.  i am thankful for everything.

i know i was hard, a coward, a at times, but thank you for staying with me.  for never giving up on me.

i will eventually delete my kkt.  if you are interested in keeping contact, i dunno what to do for you .

you dont know what its like to be me.  you dont know what is too much or too little for me.  and i dont know anything about you either.  i dont know so i wont assume.  i never tried to hurt anyone, betray anyone, so please dont do that to anyone else either.

show everyone around you love and respect because they are people and they deserve it.

hold your hand out to others because you dont know what others are going through, and they will need a friend too.

dont exclude people.  be aware of your own actions.

i got hurt a lot by rpr through the years, i wont lie.  people dont know it but i think im abnormally sensitive and y about a lot of things, so it hurts me a lot.  so pleaee be considerate and kind to everyone around.

you never know how your actions and words will hurt someone.  your lack of thought could scar someone forever.

its a lesson i had to learn the hard way for myself.  one that i have done and someone has done to me.

reflect upon yourself often.  when you are in hard situations, think deeply before making a decision.

thank you for everything,  i mean it.  thank you rpr.

with everlasting love,

sameface