so uh [dont read][it's just me being retarded and emotional don't bother]

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Authorbabyqueen

Created Sep 22, 2018 23:20:45

Status [M]

I am 18 or older (continue)
(log in to remember)

tl;dr at the bottom
so uh yeah...I have severe anxiety, social anxiety and seperation anxiety right? and uh...it's going on over a month since my mom left to go visit my brother in Ohio. It was just supposed to be for a few days...and it's like they don't want her to leave...but like...god I'm trying so hard to not break down but it's just...like I NEED her. And I feel like andlike the tiest older sister because I know my brother needs her too...but ONCE AGAIN he's ing up over there and my mom has to clean up after him and now she's talking about getting him a new ing phone?
I've always felt he was spoiled but just...I know he has anxiety too even though he refuses to admit it. His father ed him up in the head with the bull he's said over the years, a lot of which I will NEVER forgive him for. How the do you tell a 10 year old that if you would have known that I wasn't your biological daughter that he never would've been born you . My baby brother literally thinks he's crazy and is unloived because of the bull you've filled his head with so you.
With that being said my brother has done his share of ups, still love him though that's my baby bro and there is literally nothing I won't do for him, I would kill for him, I would die for him.
I have no idea how I got to that but anyways, my mom went to go visit him for his first game in Ohio (he plays football) and uh...what they were presented with by the CEO is not what they are really getting. My mom went to support my brother for ONE game. And ended up taking so many postions over the last month. But I'm running out of food, I leave what little we do have for my housemate for me to cook for him for work...so the last week all I've been eating for the last two is ramen, rice, toast and oatmeal like once a day.
It's getting harder and harder to keep it together...it really ease...and like honestly...the last week and a half I've gone so ing dark it scares me. I've been cutting...I keep staring at my pills and wanting to shove a bunch of them in my mouth and go to sleep and never wake up. I'm 21...but I have no ing clue how to function as an actual adult and it scares me and pisses me off at the same time.
Why am I like this? Why the can't I be normal? Why can't I be like the kids I graduated with who are all finishing college and getting married and having kids...I can't even get a ing job (not for lack of trying though)...and just two months ago I was talking about how I wanted to move out...hah
the darkness I try so hard to keep hidden keeps trying to come out...I guess that's what happens when you have chronic depression...I know this means I should probably take my meds again...but it's been so long at this point they might not even work or they'll make me sick...besides...whether I take them or not I'll die either way so what's the point...I just...idk what to do anymore...I don't have the energy to pretend to be strong anymore...but I keep trying. But at this point...either she need to come home or I need to disappear...cuz I really don't know how much more of this I can take...let her bring my brother with her I don't ing care she just needs to bring her back home...I need my mother the

yeah...I'm a mess. Ignore me

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Fang_Hyung 6 years ago

You're a wonderful beautiful person. Don't forget this.
Take it from a guy who use to cut himself. You can do this. You can make it to the next day. Focus on making to the next day because you never know if that next day is the day she'll come back. This doesn't post isn't here for all your friends to ignore. It's here because you need us. And from all the comments I see, we are here for you as much as friends trapped in different places around the world can be.
We are here for you. We don't want you to disappear. We want to talk to you. We want to hear about your day. We are here and care about you.

Jhopeexoticvip 6 years ago

Please don't do something crazy. It's not fair that she just left you and it does sound like your brother is spoiled but you will get through this. I know you will. You're a lot stronger than you realize. And you know I'm always here for you. /hugs/

bamstastic 6 years ago

I'm not usually the best at these. Especially since I'm typing. But besides that, I'm here to help or give an ear whenever. I have had my fair share of dark periods in my life, and it's tough. Everything may be a mess right now, and you may feel like there isn't much help. But don't struggle alone. You have people that are here right behind you to be there every step of the way. You may have taken a false step and may be falling down, but there are people who will be there to help pick you up and start over.

I know it can be hard, especially when you are thick of things. But don't let yourself get down. And I know that you are trying to be as strong as you can, and that shows how strong you are as a person. And I know you can find a way to get out of this, even just a little. I don't know how much my advice will help, but sometimes I just went out for a walk, just walking and enjoying the outdoors. Or I just put on some good ol' music and blasted it. Or even sometimes, I just took a deep breath and just took things slowly. Be gentle and kind to yourself, take one thing at a time and just try to improve little by little. It may be a pain in the to gather that energy up to push yourself but in the end its worth it.

But I'm here to hear you out and support you, even if I can't be there in person. Good luck and keep on!

046b1a71f747eee539c7 6 years ago

*gives you infinite comfort hugs*

melozennie 6 years ago

i have no idea what to do to help. i can't do much behind a computer screen, but i'm wishing so hard that something turns out right for you. is there not anyone you can talk to? a doctor, a mental health professional, friends, other family, a hotline, etc.? is there anything i can do? i might not be able to do much, since this is the kind of stuff that triggers my own freak outs and sob sessions, but i'll do my best. i'm not hanging on rpr much, so we can use kkt if you need anything, yeah? if you're up for it, i mean.

you may be a mess right now, but you're allowed to feel things and no one should ignore you in your time of need. everyone ends up at a dark point some time in their life, even if it doesn't look like it - even if it's for a short period of time, or for as long as you can remember. please, if you can, reach out to someone who can help, please. if you fear taking your meds then talk to a professional if possible, if you fear of people making fun of you for this then just push through, because those people can exit stage left for lacking any compassion.

i know it's not much at all, but i hope things start getting better for you soon - s o o n - and that you can keep on trucking until then. it , having to wait for a brighter day, i know, but one will eventually come around. one becomes two and two becomes three and they multiply until you get to the point where even though the bad days are so terrible you remember the sunshine. i realize i'm rambling now. i'm not sure what to say next, other than to wish you all the best.

ruotianz 6 years ago

bby ;;