and so much has happened. This time last year I was in the shelter system in new york, because my stepdad kicked me and my mother out. HE was the one that wanted a divorce, and there had been an agreement of letting us stay until we saved up money to move out. But his secret girlfriend (well he thought it was a secret but you were driving her car my guy, how stupid do you think people are?) must've wanted my mom out the house (mind you the divorce wasn't finallized until Oct 2017 so almost a year ago. We went into the shelter in July 2017) so you know what my stepdad does? While my mother was housesitting for a friend while they took their soon to florida for vacation, my stepdad accuses her of cheating on him and accuses me of covering for her (mind you HE was the one cheating having a gf AND driving her car, my mom was seeing NO ONE and when she did it was after we were in the shelter). Then he proceeds to tell me that when she comes back that "it's time for you and your mother to go" wow thanks mf. and then this time last year I also lost some really special friends. I won't get into the details of that, I'm sure the story differs per person involved, the bottom line is that I was in a really really bad place last year. The shelter had placed my mother and I in a love motel, I had a group of friends who had decided to drop me, my rp (my baby) was suffering greatly, I was severely depressed and everything just felt worthless, especially me.
And now I feel like I've come back full circle. The only difference is that I'm no longer in the shelter but instead in my own apartment (which is coming up on the end of its lease sooner than I expected so lowkey probably about to be homeless again heh), and instead of friends dropping me I'm pushing them away. Maybe it's cuz I know they'll drop me eventually idk. I honestly don't know why I push people away, but I do. Friends, family, it doesn't matter. I push them all away. I've been listening to Eminem all day so maybe that's what prompted me to write this idk. But my rp is suffering once again...maybe I should just give it up. I don't want to though tbh...I really don't...but maybe I don't have a choice anymore. I have so many ideas and things I wanna do, not just in that rp but in other rp's I have and rp's I wanna make...I just can't help but question if it's even worth it anymore.
I feel the most sorry to anybody who considers themself my friend. Because you shouldn't be. I'm not worth your friendship. I'm really not. I'm not worth you worrying about me or caring about me. And yet...I'm selfish...I want it. I need it...I need to know that there is someone who cares about me, that someone is worrying about me. The only attention I ever really got was medical because I was in and out of the hospital so much for most of my life. I also feel sorry to my mom. She claims she's finally coming back on Tues Oct 16 (it's Fri Oct 12 rn) but honestly I don't believe her. She was supposed to be back a month ago so I won't believe she's coming back until she's actually on her way. So I'm tryna get over this cuz I don't want her to be around with me like this. But it seems like the more I try to bury it and hide it away the worse it gets. She offered to send me on a bus to come to her but I truthfully told her that it's not safe for me to be around people, especially not on a 17 hour bus ride with strangers. It's not safe for me to be around people but it's not safe for me to be by myself either.
And I started drinking before I made this blog post so I literally spent about an hour writing this post and by now I'm starting to feel a little drunk and I know longer remember what the purpose of the blog post was...I should really do some rping or admin stuff...maybe I will...but I'll probably just end up watching some random show/movie or reading some TVD fanfics again until I pass out...so yeah...this almost had 1400 words rip. I just deleted like half of this post cuz I went on a rant about my stepdad. I'll probably do it later...gotta get it off my chest somehow i guess...
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