okay so when i originally started writing this uhh 2 hours ago, i wasn't going to upload any of this at all. i was just gonna write and write and write and let everything out and then just delete it, because i heard that's, like, helpful or whatever. but after lots of back and forth uh, i guess here it is. pls dont read. ok.
haha i don't even know how to start this y i k e s
ok im probably gonna delete half of this blog before uploading it so i might as well just write out everything i'm thinking
make it all ~therapeutic~ or whatever.
but y'know what, maybe putting it out there into the universe and making myself, i dunno, feel kinda... heard? maybe it could be a bit helpful, i guess. since idk, i don't really have anyone to talk to about any of this stuff. this stuff being...? read on til whenever i eventually figure out what 'this stuff' is
i mean, even before this whole lockdown thing went into place where i live, it's not like i was ever the best at communicating with people. when it comes to school stuff, though, i don't have that much of a hard time since i know it's something that needs to be done.
i realized that i've pushing away what is probably my closest friend because i just feel... like i want to be alone. but perhaps it isn't because i want to be alone, but because i'm scared of being vulnerable. and i guess i was a little more direct with it (than i usually am, that is) by telling her that i wasn't exactly in a mood to be hanging out with people and that i'm not a fun person to hang around with these days. and i guess she sorta understood, because on my better days i kinda talk to her about the kinda stuff going on in my mind... sort of. i guess she doesn't know how deep this goes lmaooo. no one does. not even me.
i mean, therapy at my school's wellness center has actually been really helpful for me over the past few weeks. at least, before everything at school was shut down bc of the virus. and now, it's been two weeks of isolation and i can count on one hand the number of people i've effectively communicated with over the last two weeks of lockdown. which is wild, bc just my siblings and parents is more than two hands' worth ahahaha ok stop im tryna be serious oof but yes i've only been talking to my sister and my nursing buddy from school and that's about it
and this is also including my rpr friends, which tbh, i find kinda surprising. i know i've always been bad at keeping in contact with people and all, but i would always at least try to check in once, maybe twice a week at the least. and even with that, i've just been... not wanting to. which is a first in the last... i don't even know how many years.
lmao depression is a , ain't she?
and i guess maybe that's a good first step. putting a label to this feeling that i've been living with for the last... 10 years. damn.
i mean, i guess it's sorta on brand for me. i didn't even realize that i had a pretty debilitating anxiety disorder until about a year ago when a psychologist diagnosed me after i went in just for a few psychological testing sessions that i had to do for a class assignment. and having appointments every week with a therapist and talking things through and unpacking all the i've been living with and normalizing for all of my life and realizing that it's not ok?? it's not normal?? i shouldn't have to live feeling like this all the time?? and other people don't feel like this constantly????
honestly it was like a slap to the face. ever since then, i've slowly started being more self aware, or at least trying to. and it's only just hit me that this. this is what depression is like for me, and i really need to get help. because i don't want to keep living like this.
i don't want to just have a thin mask of forced happiness on at all times, from all the years of my parents drilling into my that i need to smile and not have that... lol i don't even know how to translate this, but i guess it's sorta like a resting face? but like in a sad y way. i guess that's the best way i can put it into english lmaoooo
but yea, i guess i've picked up on making jokes as a way to avoid constantly getting those comments from them, and it's just become my coping strategy from then on. to this day, i still use my sense of humor to cover up how i'm really feeling. i mean, i'm pretty damn funny sometimes haha and i turn everything into a joke. BUT i need to learn when to laugh, and when to stop the laughter and let myself feel what exactly it is that i need to feel. and it's been hard, but i'm very very slowly getting used to it. but it's still sooo hard. so goddamn ing hard. lemme bury myself in the funnies plz
man i'm crying on and off as i type this all out. and i don't know, everything in me is yelling to delete this and just completely forget about it, but i just keep hearing a little voice telling me that i need to live this. i need to let it out. and i know nobody will read this essay i've wrote on my inner whatevers, but at least then i'll know that it's out there and that someone, anyone... hears me. knows what i'm going through. maybe that will make it easier for me to talk about my feelings and be more vulnerable in the future, to break down these walls that i've been building since i was like 7, and that it's okay to let some people in. to let people know about what's going on inside, and that's it's okay for me to be heard. to feel seen. to take up space. to feel like i have value.
haha those last few are things my therapist keeps telling me constantly because like, she knows i have a hard time convincing myself of that, and taking up space in my own life has been something that i do not do, because i've been taught that... i don't really matter, as an individual.
i'm a giver, that much i know about myself, and i've known for as long as i've been alive. i'm the oldest of 9 kids, so i'm like the second mom in the family. all my life, i've been taking care of kids younger than me. from a young age, i've been teaching alongside my mom with little kids, kids i didn't even know then but are like family to me now, because i feel like i practically raised them. and now, going into a career as a nurse where i will constantly be taking care of people i don't know, it's like a cycle. maybe the familiarity that comes along with taking care of people and giving a part of myself to everyone i let in, maybe that's why i chose it.
but i need to learn how to take care of myself too. half of my family moved across the globe, and since they've been gone it's become so glaringly obvious in my life that i miss having all those children around and having them depend on me. even though it was always so goddamn exhausting being like a parent to them, i've realized that that is what i really love, and i feel like a huge piece of me is missing not being able to do that. even with school being done remotely now, i don't have my clinical rotations where i would see patients a few times a week. it kinda paled compared to the whole full time kids thing, but it was still something. and i don't even get that anymore.
nothing brings me joy anymore. i just spend my days knitting and rewatching shows i've already watched a million times, because i have no mental capacity to watch anything new, or even do anything else at all. occasionally i'd listen to music, but i've realized that even that is just like a small pick me up, even monsta x. day6. GUYS. MONSTA X AND DAY6 AREN'T EVEN MAKING ME HAPPY ANYMORE. anyone who knows me knows how wack that is. haha i guess that's what sorta tipped me off that i need help.
and don't even get me started on rpr. some of you have probably noticed, but i haven't been logging on for the last two weeks, and it's because for the first time in years, i don't want to. i don't even think about it for days at a time. and when i do, i'm just like 'whatever'. i guess it doesn't hold my interest anymore, not like it used to. and i don't know if it's this mood that i find myself in now or if it's actually a whole thing, which is why i'm gonna hold off on any leaving announcements for a few more weeks, just to see how things turn out, i guess.
haha literally nobody is gonna read this crazy gorl's 3am ramblings. or well like- more like almost 5am. damn i've been writing and crying for almost two hours now. lmao just further proof that no one will read this ahahahaha
so like, if you've gotten this far uhm. i'm not ignoring anyone on purpose. ya girl is just struggling. am a really sad kiwi.
and now i'm gonna log out for another two weeks again. pls no one get it contact with me i'm a ty person to talk to these days i'll probably just end up ignoring you and then i'll feel bad about it later on and the cycle goes on and on
i really really shouldn't put this up god i really truly hate myself i can't stop crying this is why i can never have a successful friendship without ing things up what is wrong with me god i really just i don't want to exist anymore
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