OMG I'm so stupid (Leaving RPR)

Hey, to everyone I rp with, I just want to say some things and rant a bit.  I see other people rant about the site here in these blogs, so I don't see why I shouldn't be allowed to.

Also, I'm sure all of the comments on this are all gonna say "I ain't reading all that. I'm happy for you though. Or sorry that happened." or TLDR or something.  Whatever, you don't have to read this, I just want to put my feelings down.

I've met so many wonderful people here and I want to thank all of those you who were nice to me.  I've never really fit in no mater where I go IRL or online, so just knowing a few people are kinda sorta nice to me, is really appreciated.  I don't know why, though. I don't even understand how I managed to get RP partners in the first place, or why any of you like rping with me. All I ever do is mess up and I'm just a weirdo who doesn't know how to socialize.

I know I'm probably not even a fun RP partner and I'm not any good at anything.  That's why I'm gone for weeks or months at a time without replying to any of you guys in DM.  It's why I stopped doing public RP's and moved to DM strictly.

I've had so many people on here essentially bully me on here and I don't even feel welcome or like I belong when I log in here...that's why I try to log on as little as possible. 

I remember the last public RP I was in, I was essentially bullied publically in the rp and treated like a child and belittled by the admins.  And this has happened to me once before too.  I remember one time getting a character DM years ago on my old account that essentially said "Hey, you only have one RP partner here, and all the other RPers in my RP have multiple partners.  I know you're active, but unless you get more partners, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."  So then I did what they said, and got more RP partners, to the point that I had a plot with pretty much 3/4 of the people playing in the RP.  THen I got DM'd again that I was being "unfair" because "It's weird how everytime we get a new member, you're always the first one asking them to RP, and you're not giving anyone else a chance to plot."  WHAT? You mean I'm bad for not having multiple partners like everyone else, but apparently I can't RP with anyone else b/c that prevents other characters from having multiple partners??? Huh? I wasn't RPing relationships or or anything, so it's not like any characters were "cheating" with me.

Then, I've had a RP I was in where I literally just joined and I, no cap, got bullied for being new.  Then, they tagged themselves in my posts and just roast me for how my FC was ugly and apparently a ?  Then I confronted the admin about it and basically got told "But that's IC thou, so it's fine" but it really hurt my feelings.  Then in the RP, someone pubically made a joke about me in the OOC room and roasted me and for no reason?  Like it was out of left field?  And then I said to them "Hey, I'm sorry If I did something that hurt your feelings or caused you not to like me, but can you please delete this post.  It's a public callout and I was thinking it'd be best we just hash out our OOC issues in PM?"  

Then the admin SINGLED ME OUT in a random PM saying I was making the RP an unhappy place because I had posted that in the OOC room, and I should have put it in the IC room?   But I was replying to someone roasting ME (not my chara) and they did it in the OOC room?  I don't get it?

Then they kept harassing me back and forth like that for over a year in my own personal PMs even though I obviously dropped the character.

I know I usually RP as internationals, and even as ppl that aren't even popular, but I don't think that's a reason for me to be targeted.  I mean, I LOVE the concept of RPing, and unfortunately, as of now, this is the only site for it. I mean, most other RP sites are either dead af or barely functional.  I love the concept of RP.  I might not be the queen of Kpop Rping or whatever, but so?  If I RP in RPs that accept internationals, what's the issue?  It's kinda ed up how I'm being singled out all the time.

I've also been denied the ability to RP as certain characters, despite my charas meeting all the RPs prerequsites for charas.  Like, if I join a RP that says "we accept everyone, even internationals, just as long as the character isn't a minor and isn't dead or controversial"  and then I want to be a person who isn't a minor, isn't dead, and isn't controversial, but I get told to f  off because "mmmm I mean Idk who your character is, so can't you be someone else or something???"  Like, excuse you?  WHy didn't you put that in the rules then????

I'm sorry, this probably seems like whiney baby crap, but I've been dealing with this a long time, and I hate coming here but I don't want to let my Rp partners down or leave them behind. I don't know what to do.  I just feel so useless and dumb and I mess everything up.

I always feel so stupid when I come here. Like I can't do anything right or make a good story. Plus, memories of the bullying hurts.  And then today, I guess this all came out because I got really md at myself b/c I decided to try public RPing a try again, so I joined a public RP and like an idiot I posted somehing OOC in the IC chat and omg I feel SO STUPID. I can't do anything right.

I don't know what I should do.  I don't want to leave RPR, but also logging in hurts for me everytime too, which is why I rarely do it, and I always leave my RP partners hanging.

I'm sorry.