holding myself accountable

Hi, it’s bindass/gosine/sunsine/baeksu. I don’t think most of you remember me but I’m familiar with a lot of you, especially the ones called out and the victims. I don’t think my name was mentioned anywhere though I did see “trig” once or twice while skimming through the screenshots. That made me face something I had been avoiding for a long time. 

I left the site because it was toxic and being here enabled me to engage in the problematic stuffs. Stalking, ing about people behind their backs, sharing people’s vulnerabilities that they trusted me with for “tea”, mocking people for their choices (though this was more on amino), etc. I’ve done those too. With the people in the shrimp squad, with some users mentioned by them, and some commenting too. It felt great at the moment and I did feel superior but the guilt was too hard to fight. I reached out to my friends, to ask if I was wrong or overthinking this, but I was validated instead. I think I became wary of the entire population here after that. Deep down I knew what I was doing went beyond just venting and standing up for me and the ones I care for, but I chose to be blind especially when I wasn’t facing any consequences for it. I apologize for that, and I apolgize for misusing people’s trust just because or for the cliques’ entertainment. 

The guilt of betraying people who felt comfortable enough to place their trust on me, the guilt of not defending my friends when they were spoken ill of, and the guilt of engaging in those petty games of manipulations was why I eventually left the site. I didn’t like the person I had become, especially after seeing how things transpired in amino and how I had acted there. Was a ty place, never recommending it to anyone but there’s something about seeing kids repeat the same mistakes as you and learning from them. Things we don’t consider cyber bullying (mass commenting on blog to attack someone, raiding an rp just to ‘spice things up’ and making it distasteful for the ones in there, just because a friend of yours dislikes someone there whom you’d just not not torment) appear as they are when you see those happening from an outsider’s perspective. I apologize for engaging in that kind of behaviour as well. Things might not have gone terribly because we grew to love the little space we had in those rps, but I still apologize for every trace of ill intent. 

nothing personal against any of you, it was just for a friend!!! :) 

Yeah no. Defending anyone doesn’t work like that. 

Most importantly though I apologize to every friend I didn’t stand up for. Much worse I rolled along with it. Should I call the paranoia a form of Karma because after what I was doing I couldn’t trust a single soul because what if? Literally everyone I interacted with was two-faced; I could see it. Even if I wanted to trust them a source would tell me they were this and the other source would tell me they were the complete opposite. It made go back into a shell because everyone was so petty? If someone was silent, they would judge. If someone overshared, they would judge. IC or OOC, every word you spoke would be quoted by someone and mocked. At that time I wondered: where did all the friendship go? Then I recalled besides very few friends, I would stand up for no one else. Even if they were completely innocent and just minding their own business. Or even if they were guilty, I wouldn’t stop the crowd I was with from going too far. Call them out, okay, but we’d get so fixated on them for a period it was absurd. I now wonder why I never asked myself why because that wasn’t as ‘normal’ as we made it out to be. Things were getting too far and yet I didn’t stop myself nor stopped others. In case I did manage, I ran away again instead of confronting them about it. I never voiced my discomfort and chose to ignore it all I could. That was wrong of me. 

Anyways, I believe majority of us have moved past that phase. The few still here, well, they’re outed. Was I surprised when I got to know about this? No. I had seen it coming — I knew things were this way. The stalking and sharing tea part, trashing on people at least. Doxxing though? Making fun of someone’s name and appearance? That’s another level of low and I’m ing glad I didn’t stay around. What scares me is, if I had been there while that was happening, I don’t think I would’ve spoken against it and instead chosen to remain silent. Because I want to fit in and there have been worse things right? It’s horrifying to realize I would’ve downplayed things despite coming so far ahead from back then. For this, I owe myself a promise to be better. 

I’m not gonna lie, I know I will still remain friends with one or two of them because I’ve known them beyond this. I don’t think I owe anyone this explanation but let me overthink a bit and state it in case? Idk. 

Anyways... Let me just. Do this:

@Rong, I’m so sorry for breaking your trust. Talking about you behind your back. 

@huckleberry, it wasn’t right of me to share your concerns, that you trusted me with, to your friends. I’m sorry. 

@bora (sorry idk your username ;; rinko??), you were right. It wasn’t fair for me to continue a conversation we were having in private in front of everyone because I was mad. I’m sorry for taking much long to realize I was wrong and taking much longer to apologize. 

@mina, sorry for not standing up for you and being dishonest/keeping things from you. It’s why I have so much trouble reconnecting but I do hope you give me a chance again. 

​​​​@cookie, sorry for giving you fake sympathy.

@hoya from klimax, um we didn’t really know each other but I did judge you hard for tiny things that wasn’t my business and for that I am sorry. 

@bangtuan esp ​​​I’m sorry I could never gather the courage to tell them to quit ting about you, at least not in front of me because nevermind their perception of you, you were fantastic to me. I feel I’ve disrespected the bond we shared because I could have said something but didn’t and chose to remain silent again. 

I owe many of you apolgizies too for stalking and all that. Especially when they went beyond curiosity. (And also for ditching so often but we’re not bringing my commitment issues here ;;)  

Also for ‘raiding’ rps. When they were with an intent to stir more than Some IC drama. To all who may have suffered from sarcastic comments that were uncalled for in their blogs by anons way back, sorry for directly or indirectly being a part of it. I may not have been there but I’m certain my words were used. 

I’m probably missing out a few incidents here but call me out on it. I’d much rather close this from my side before taking off again. And idk? Possibly may have gone undercover to dig things up but I’m not sure if it was here or amino. Either way all of those were childish and terrible — again, sorry for that. It bugs me now that I can’t reach out to those I have hurt and give them some kind of closure but I do have the choice to hold myself accountable for everything I did thus far. 

AND ALSO, to those I -talked about without knowing them because my friends were doing so, I’m so so sorry. I thought my words were insignificant (the classic excuse for gossiping and the likes, though I really thought you’d never, ever know) and wouldn’t contribute to any wildfire out there. I was very wrong regarding that. 

Again, being wary and telling people to stay careful is a normal thing but I often did that with zero verification and filter. Don’t be me. I had a hand in making things worse. Irl too. 

Stay safe and healthy y'all!

EDIT#1: Sharing my account info with my friends was also wrong though at that time I justified it with ”it’s mine after all.” No. It doesn’t only hold my secret but also of those I have interacted with. That is still a violation of someone’s trust. So sorry for that too.