it's nearly 1 am and i kind of just want a place to spit things out on my mind. i figure i should probably do this into a journal but i type faster than i write, and i do want some comments or something for reasons i will mention below. or not. idk. comment if you want.
anyway, hi! i've been back on the site for a while now, but for a good chunk of the previous year, i was dead. first -- i had a boyfriend. he took up a lot of my time cause he was a needy , whiny . anyway, we've broken up, and it's been refreshing, definitely. but i guess i'm feeling some type of withdrawals, because i've been feeling pretty .. lonely? i had someone to talk to every day. and while i'm not the most extroverted, and it's not like i NEED to talk to someone every day, it was nice, to have someone love you like that. recently, i can't quite put my finger on the reason, but it feels like i'm being used. it feels like i'm being used to fill the voids in some people's lives, like when they have falling outs with their "closer" friends, or when they have some issues that they need to rant about, and i happen to be the one that's just there. i never say no to my friends when they want to rant because i want to help them, to be a listening ear even if i can't offer any feedback. but it just feels like that's all i am. it feels like i'm reaching out, always asking for updates, always asking how they are, always telling people 'i hope you're okay' or 'i hope you've had fun doing _____', and it feels like i get so little back. of course, i don't go into friendships seeking this kind of stuff; i'm an adult, i know people have lives outside of internet friends and rpr. but at some point, it feels like you're not enough for people to want you back.
wow that was a spiel. and well - second, i've graduated college. i'm in an awkward phase right now, between battling a lot of internal issues and battling my emotional fatigue after enduring university. i feel like i'm in a vague grey spot, where i know i should be doing something, but i'm just so burnt out from grinding school all the time, that i need to relax and take it slow, but realistically -- i can't. the timeline just doesn't allow for that. some things at home and my own expectations hold me back, make me upset, annoy me -- and it's not like i can really do anything to fix them right now. so i'm in a place where i'm just very frustrated all the time, and it honestly .
i don't know where i'm going with this, and in due time i'll probably delete it. but i don't know, looking at all that's happening around me, and how it feels like my friends are slipping away slowly and i'm just becoming some kind of backup -- just . iunno. anyway, i hope you've all had your meals and drink water to stay hydrated. be adults, take care of your bodies, manage your time wisely if need be. only you know what you need, and no one will act on it for you.
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