hi? idk

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Authornarcotic

Created Sep 10, 2022 07:56:27

it's nearly 1 am and i kind of just want a place to spit things out on my mind. i figure i should probably do this into a journal but i type faster than i write, and i do want some comments or something for reasons i will mention below. or not. idk. comment if you want.

anyway, hi! i've been back on the site for a while now, but for a good chunk of the previous year, i was dead. first -- i had a boyfriend. he took up a lot of my time cause he was a needy , whiny . anyway, we've broken up, and it's been refreshing, definitely. but i guess i'm feeling some type of withdrawals, because i've been feeling pretty .. lonely? i had someone to talk to every day. and while i'm not the most extroverted, and it's not like i NEED to talk to someone every day, it was nice, to have someone love you like that. recently, i can't quite put my finger on the reason, but it feels like i'm being used. it feels like i'm being used to fill the voids in some people's lives, like when they have falling outs with their "closer" friends, or when they have some issues that they need to rant about, and i happen to be the one that's just there. i never say no to my friends when they want to rant because i want to help them, to be a listening ear even if i can't offer any feedback. but it just feels like that's all i am. it feels like i'm reaching out, always asking for updates, always asking how they are, always telling people 'i hope you're okay' or 'i hope you've had fun doing _____', and it feels like i get so little back. of course, i don't go into friendships seeking this kind of stuff; i'm an adult, i know people have lives outside of internet friends and rpr. but at some point, it feels like you're not enough for people to want you back.

wow that was a spiel. and well - second, i've graduated college. i'm in an awkward phase right now, between battling a lot of internal issues and battling my emotional fatigue after enduring university. i feel like i'm in a vague grey spot, where i know i should be doing something, but i'm just so burnt out from grinding school all the time, that i need to relax and take it slow, but realistically -- i can't. the timeline just doesn't allow for that. some things at home and my own expectations hold me back, make me upset, annoy me -- and it's not like i can really do anything to fix them right now. so i'm in a place where i'm just very frustrated all the time, and it honestly .

i don't know where i'm going with this, and in due time i'll probably delete it. but i don't know, looking at all that's happening around me, and how it feels like my friends are slipping away slowly and i'm just becoming some kind of backup -- just . iunno. anyway, i hope you've all had your meals and drink water to stay hydrated. be adults, take care of your bodies, manage your time wisely if need be. only you know what you need, and no one will act on it for you.

Comments

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paracetamol 2 years ago

hey munchkin, gonna start this off by saying congratulations!! you’ve worked so hard and it’s finally paid off ? you’re a whole graduate now and I’m so proud of you and your accomplishments! I think I can somewhat understand the awkward phase you must be in right now after graduating college. I’ve been in that situation or well I’m currently in that phase where I don’t know what I want to do and it seems like everyone’s ahead of me right now or somewhat know what they want in life. it’s okay to feel that way and it’s okay to take a break, allow yourself to heal and find new things you enjoy. take the time to do things you haven’t had the chance to do before and get a breather. taking time off and enjoying my own peace was probably the best thing I did after graduating.

In terms of friends and wanting company. it’s okay to want to have someone to talk to even if you don’t necessarily need it. we can always enjoy our own space and enjoy interacting with people. I hope you know that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed interacting with you and bonding with you through the rps we’ve been in. you’re a wonderful person and I know everyone is very fond of you [myself included]; as kind as it is for you to lend an ear whenever your friends need to rant, also make sure to put yourself first. any form of relationship is a two-way system, a give-and-take situation, not one person constantly giving and receiving nothing. but either way people come and go, just gotta keep your chin up and enjoy the finer things in life bb
you’re more than enough <3

sappai 2 years ago

I’m not on rpr much and I know we’ve only been rpr friends for a short time, but I genuinely hope you’re doing well and taking care of yourself. If you ever need anything or someone to talk to, or just idk vibe with, I’m available (mostly on discord if you have that or i occasionally check here).

53346719ca8c64372eec 2 years ago

yeah I felt that rpr has been my go-to place when I'm lonely since everybody here is pretty much lonely too it feels like I can always count on rpr for when I want to just have somebody to talk to and honestly I am completely in the same position as you atm with the whole clingy piece of boyfriend who takes all my time (including self development time jfc) and being in weird gray zone after college even though lmao I didn't graduate but just started working instead and my friendships from before the relationship are nonexistent because I just pushed everyone away and keep pushing them away and I won't let anybody back because I don't trust anybody anymore lmao but I'm really glad that you've been reaching out to your friends even though it seems they're not putting in as much effort as you are but honestly baby this gray zone area you're dealing with right now is about you. it's your time to find yourself for who you are outside of relationships and you should be looking at jobs rn and find what you want to do or find what you don't want to do in terms of a career. I don't want you digging a hole for yourself because you think your friends are putting you on back burner when they could just be putting themselves first and you should too tbh friendship isn't about you being their diary for when they need to vent esp if they won't lend you a listening ear, you've gotta keep boundaries if they don't listen to you vent then you don't have to listen to them vent even if it makes you feel like a friend, not saying you shouldn't let them vent but it's bad to ruminate anyway so just distract them with the good things in life or whatever

SeHYUNG 2 years ago

you're still one of the first people I go to hang out with when I have free time. You have been a bit of my constant in my life for quite a while now. I know it's not much consolation, but I do think about you a lot. I wish I would have made that more apparent considering you haven't felt it. Anyway, I love you
Let's play val soon IHJNASODMK

b9da2c2919b8b461fda8 2 years ago

ion know you well but first thing’s first. I AM PROUD OF YOU.graduating is HUGE and you deserve to just sit in the moment and just soak that all in. even if it’s one day or one year. That is hard asf idc what anyone says. Took me about 7 months to get off that hump you’re feeling and I’m STILL trying to get over that hump. It’s frustrating. It’s tiring. You get exhausted in every way possible, even going to sleep is hard because then tomorrow will come. Take your time. Take it one day at a time. One thing at a time. You WILL get to the place you need to be. Give yourself a lil more credit uwu

Second. Yes. All of it. Yes. I’m not gunna sugar coat it, that feeling balls. That’s that how it be sometimes. People come and go. One thing I’ve learned is that is always gunna change. And that’s OKAY. You ARE enough and you ARE worth anyone’s time. I know that’s easy to say and harder to feel. But I hope you get there.

i didn’t eat my meals, had ice cream for breakfast lunch and dinner, I drank 3 cans of soda BUT I did get up to beach my teeth and my hair. Baby steps. Okno. Take care of yourself, too. Remember to smile. Thank you for existing <3

mabuchi 2 years ago

We haven't been interacting much, but I wanted to let you know- you might not knowing this but I think the fact you doing things like reaching out to your friends and be their listening ears when they are having a hard time already showed how great you are as a person. You're caring, and it's okay to feel you wanted to be treated the same way as you already gave so much. Though, please put your needs > anyones. If it's draining, it's alright to say no and taking your time to yourself. You're the most important person in your life so take care of yourself well ok. You might not believe it but you're good and great enough! The right person will come and treat you in the same way you wanted. And if you need someone to talk to, you can always reach out to me even if I'm just a pure stranger. I hope things get better for you, really ♡

caratcake 2 years ago

HIGH FIVES YOUR FACE WITH LOVE BC IDKW WORDS ARE PLEASEACCEPT

motives_ 2 years ago

I think its normal to have that sort of empty bleh lonely type feeling, especially when you accomplish a lot(ie the dropping the bf, the finishing college in which CONGRATS) and then its like a what now or whats next thing. As for the friends part.. honestly its okayy to get into relationships of any kind expecting things, its like a benefit or something the like on both ends, but if youre providing more for them than they are, you have a right to feel like they arent doing as much for you. But i really hope the whole feeling like a backup person thing changes for you because that more than anything emotionally.

Tbh i think since you finished college, now you have a chance or the time to heal after going through uni. Yk, paint that grey spot youre in c: but really, the first things first always, is to take a breather. from thinking about time limits, from thinking about what you should be doing- you NEED a break and thats what you should focus on and in due time you can allow yourself to figure out more things. Anyways I probably said a whole lot of nothing but wanted to give you a comment of courage or whatever lol but you pls pls take care of yourself too and stay fed and hydrated if not anything else !

harmonica 2 years ago

i know we haven't been able to interact much but i wanna say that many others here and i are willing to be a shoulder for you to just vent on or be there for you to talk about, well, any and everything. whatever you are going through right now- it but i know you're a very strong narco bby. just know that you're doing great as it is- don't beat yourself up over it, pls. i wuv you my princess mumumu
also, you better be drinking watah :water_gun:

[comment deleted by owner]

583b05ce9f840c2a8419 2 years ago

Sometime it's good to let go and start anew. Don't be desperate, be positive and patient. The right one will walk into your life that way. And not just the special one, anyone. Desperate bring negative energy people into your life. Remember, same energy attract the same.

levanter 2 years ago

you've done so well, and im proud of you :(
i hope that these things sort themselves out one way or another, whether you figure out what you have to do or things just... work out in a way, but either way, i hope you have some people to lean on. even if its just on rpr (ik this site sometimes/most of the times), hopefully you can find some sort of distraction in a sense.
i enjoy being around you and im sorry people treat you so horribly sometimes u n u you are appreciated <3