life update

So I'm pretty sure most of you have noticed that I haven't really been around much lately. The simple explanation is that my real life health has really taken a turn for the worse. If that satisfies your curiosity/worry then feel free to skip the rest of this blog since I'll really just be further explaining what's going on and lowkey ranting.

In an effort to not make this blog a book, I'll try to condense things as much as possible. Sparing you the boring details, I've been dealing with various forms of medical issues quite literally from birth, so struggling with my health is unfortunately something I'm quite used to. However, the last two or three years I've been getting increasingly worse. The last year when I had to push through and take care of my sick mother despite not being at optimal health myself I think really started to wear on my body. And before anyone asks it's just me and her because we had to move states for triggering reasons so as a result we left everyone and everything behind and had to start over. My mother has some work friends but no one that can be of help to us because they're either too busy and/or live too far. But anyway, I think it started to become too much for my body because the last...4 months or so have been the worst of it yet. My whole body is constantly in excruciating pain, my hands and feet randomly go numb, it hurts to breathe, I have killer migraines, I'm constantly nauseous, my throat is constantly but randomly sore, I mean honestly the list of symptoms goes on and on at this point. I've tried anything and every remedy I could think of and researched to try short of (since it's still illegal here and I've been vaping CBD but I've been looking for either stronger strengths or stronger alternatives cuz it hasn't been helping much). It's to the point where even breathing hurts. I have pain patches all over my body and take pain relievers (both over the counter and prescribed) and still have excrutiating amounts of pain all day. I can't even do basic function things without literal tears falling from the pain.

So what can I do? I've done everything I could think of and I've been talking to my primary physician and not getting any relief. Well, as a last ditch effort, I decided to change doctors. The reality is my previous doctor was actually a Physician's Assistant, because the clinic only had one doctor and she apparently only saw children and teens (despite it being a family practice). And the it became increasing clear to me that I needed to see an actual doctor. So at the end of September I finally saw my new doctor and let me tell you...in one visit, this woman did more for me than my previous did in the two and a half years I was with them. She considered all of my medical history (most of which was already in their system but new doctor so gotta go over the history orally too idk why that's just how it is fmhsfd) and then also considered my family medical history (especially my mother's recent diagnosis of an autoimmune disease (they don't know exactly which one yet because the original one she was diagnosed with polymyalgia rheumatica aka pmr, her body isn't responding to the treatment properly but it is helping somewhat at the same time)) and so I now have 7 different appointments in November with different specialists and still have more that I can't see until January because they were booked out.

 Okay so, I've said a lot of stuff but what does this all mean? Well, it means that even though my health is still currently, I'm finally on the path to getting some answers to what is actually going on with me and hopefully will be able to get the proper treatment and start feeling better. It's honestly become so tiring living like this. I honestly have no idea how I survived as well as I did until now cuz this would make you lose your mind (I'm convinced i don't have one at this point tbh). I don't know how long the process is gonna take, put at least the process was started. In the meantime though, my new doctor has also agreed that we have to figure out a way for me to manage the pain I'm in so I can "live my life" because lets face it, it's an issue when just bending down to pick up a 16 oz water bottle throws your back out of commission for 3 days (and I genuinely wish I was exaggerating). I struggle to sit, to stand, literally everything hurts. Oh, and did I mention that my tonsils are apparently swollen on top of it all? That's why my throat has been sore but yet I don't have an infection (since all the tests they've done so far for them have come back negative). But that also means it's a and a half to swallow and take pills (and food but that would mean I have the energy to push through the pain to cook in the first place which is yet another issue). And the initial medicine they agreed to give me weekly shots of give me killer rebound pain. Literally the relief lasts for maybe a few hours but then the next 4 or 5 days I'm in worse pain than before I took the shot. So I stopped those because it wasn't worth it. I should also mention I have social anxiety and agoraphobia so going outside in and of itself is a struggle, so I need it to at least be worth it you know what I mean?

Anyways, I know I said a ton. Really the most important takeaway is that I haven't been around because my health is and it quite literally is causing me excuriating pain just to exist right now. When I can push through the pain, I try to use that time to do stuff I can't normall do these days otherwise. So cleaning the apartment, washing my hair, cooking. I cooked dinner tonight for the first time in two weeks and I literally had to cook enough to make sure we could eat for the next few days because with the amount of pain I was in by the time I finished I knew it would be a while before I'd be able to cook again. We've been living off of instant ramen, microwaveable meals and delivery, all of which is either unhealthy and/or expensive.

How does this affect me on rpr? Well, that much should be obvious by now considering how often I haven't been around. The moment I start feeling better more consistently (as in more than two days at a time) I'll try to be around more. But for now, you guys are gonna have to put up with me mainly lurking and sometimes posting to let y'all know I'm alive if I can manage that. I've already left rps I can't dedicate the time to and put myself on hiatus everywhere else for the time being. I definitely won't be leaving even though I probably should but just like most of the people here, rpr is a creative outlet for me and is a little escape from reality.

Anyways, it literally took me hours to type this up because I had to keep stopping because my hands kept cramping and going numb. But I figured doing this blog post was a lot easier and faster than repeating the same story fifty million times. So if you guys who do read this can help me out and just let other people in the rps I'm in either what's going on or just direct them to this blog post that would be much appreciated. I'll try to do a little bit of replies this coming week but in all honesty, you shouldn't hold your breath sdfhjbsdfk I'll get to them whenever my body/health lets me and not a moment sooner and while I do feel bad to a certain extent I'm not sorry. I'm always telling people that their real life health (both physical and mental) comes first before anything and definitely before rpr, so it's finally time I take my own advice. But like i said I'm not like disappearing or something. My body is just being a moody i guess 🤡