Boy have I been gone a while.
First and foremost I would like to start off with an apology. I apologize to those I just vanished on, to those I ghosted, to the places I went inactive, and to those who may not even know/remember me but are reading this anyway. I left. I was gone for almost 6 months, dealing with things I will address later on in this very post. It's not exactly in my nature to drop off the face of the earth entirely, even being an introverted recluse... but I genuinely had to go. Let's get into the meat and bones as to what happened.
TW: Mentions of cancer, death, negative thoughts, bad habits.
It all started when my family and I had a massive rift. Everyone kind of burst apart, and while it theoretically was started by me, their reactions were unjust. I came out to them as aual, panromantic, and basically told them I did not follow their religious beliefs and would no longer participate in their methods of worship. I grew up in a very strict, very conservative, protestant christian family who very much believed they owned my every move until the day I die. (Albeit, so would like to say I am in no way shape or form bashing religion, freedom of religion, nor your right to your beliefs.) I personally, do not believe in what they do, and that is that. However it's never that easy when you're in a toxic familial situation.
Months pass, and while the family pretty much is alright with pretending I don't exist, it's not the best situation. My father and younger brother were, and still are, the only two who have never mistreated or judged me for my choice. So when my landlord tells me they accidentally already signed my apartments lease to a new tenant, instead of renewing with me-- and then give me a 3-day notice to leave, you can imagine my shock. Long story short-- I move my belongings to my father's house, my family gathers together and instructs my older brother to steal my belongings from my fathers house, take them to the dump, and get rid of them. This included all of my paper savings (12,000$), my personal documents, clothes, furniture-- you get it. I had nowhere to go, and nothing to do. So I crashed with friends, ended up in a homeless shelter, and FINALLY after 3 months, saved up enough to move to my own place again. Little did I know that it was only the beginning of my journey.
I was diagnosed with cervical cancer in October of 22. I had the removal surgery 3 months later in January. During this time, I was in immense pain, I lost my sweet kitten to heart worm, and I came to the harsh conclusion that in life... the only person who is truly there for you is yourself. I realized that after everything was over, I needed to truly get to know myself, love myself, accept me for all my silly personality traits and quirks, the things I've always grown up pushing away and hiding within my own mind. I've always been my own biggest enemy.. and when I was sitting in that sterile hospital room, alone, suffering and wallowing in my own self pity-- I realized what life is about for me.
Doing whatever the hell makes me feel alive.
And so, I'm back. The real me- happy, healthy, and thriving. While there still will be bumps-- no, big giant boulders blocking my path on my way through life, I can always find a way around them, whether that's via blowing it up or simply climbing my way over. I am finally me.
So I guess-- I'm back, and I'm better then ever? I missed so much, and so many people, and I can't wait to make friends here for the first time again. I have started the newest chapter in my life!!! Yay!
I hope you're all doing well. I hope I haven't missed too much, and I am excited to see what comes next.
What're you all up to?
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